Sometimes I worry about myself.
I've realised in the last week or so that I have what a lot of people would call an unhealthy obsession with a few certain shows (namely Buffy, Gilmore Girls, Ally McBeal and Firefly), certain characters from these shows, and the actors/actresses who play these characters. It's getting to the point where I feel more emotionally attached to the people in these shows than to people in my life. It's one thing to cry over a series finale or a death in a show, it's another thing completely to fly into a rage (and almost break my knuckles punching a brick wall) over a character I don't like becoming personally involved with a favourite character, or to become deeply depressed for days if something bad happens to a favourite character on the show.
It's just starting to scare me that every second sentence out of my mouth is a film or TV quote, or some seemingly insignificant fact about a star nobody seems to care about as much as I do. I actually wonder if there's a name for this 'disease' and if there's a support group or something for it. That might sound kind of stupid, but it's something I find crossing my mind a lot, and in complete seriousness.
I also have a completely seperate concern with the state of my personal life. I seem to have crushes on girl after girl, with nothing in common with each other or myself. The only link I can find in any of these crushes (which is exactly what they are, since they don't last very long and I know that I'm not in love with these women) is that in some small way, each of them reminds me of Lisa (or Little Avril as I may have called her on LJ before). I know I loved her and I'd do almost anything to be with her, but the fact of the matter is that it's never going to happen and I fear that my obsessiveness over this situation is going to deeply affect my ability to maintain, or even start a relationship. All this on top of my trans issues pretty much puts a damper on my chances of being with anybody.
I'm the kind of person who needs to feel something, anything, in order to feel alive. Even if that means anger, or hatred, or sadness. Maybe that's where the TV shows come in - I know I can't be in a real relationship because of all these fears, but I still need to feel something, and the TV shows provide the stimuli for creating these emotions. It's no wonder I wanted to study psychology.
I've noticed I've become quite a bit more interested in openly gay celebrities, too. Some men, but lesbian actresses make up the majority. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi have been of particular interest to me, and if anybody has any theories as to why I may be focusing so intently on this particular group of people, I would love to hear them. For me, it goes well beyond the "guys love lesbians" deal. It seems much deeper to me but I'm not sure why. Whenever I read about/hear about/see a loving lesbian relationship, I get a case of the warm and fuzzies. I find lesbian relationships to be among some of the more complex types of relationships, and I cant help that warm feeling that washes over me when I see a happy lesbian couple.
I don't know. Maybe I'm completely paranoid. Maybe I need professional help. Maybe I put too much thought into, or emphasis on, certain things. But for some reason, these three things seem to bother me quite a bit. I like to know why I feel the things I do, because I don't like feeling things without good reason - or at least without knowing whether or not there IS a reason.
Sometimes I just feel like a scared little boy who doesn't know who he is.
And I think that's the only feeling worse than being alone.