James

My sister has some COOL friends. Seriously, these girls dry-hump each other and pretend to make out on camera. Imagine what they'd do if the camera was OFF.

So anyway, as pedantic as I normally am about my hair, I'm trying to grow it a bit. I have to try really hard not to get annoyed and complain about it getting shaggy because it's my choice to try to do this, but I used to get my hair cut once a month so it's hard to get used to it being so scruffy.

Also, I'm probably going to dye it black. It's been black before, but that was when it was short. I'm sort of interested in trying out the whole emo thing - you know...without all the wrist-slitting and tight pants. Plus, my sister has a lot of hot friends who would totally dig me if I was emo. Whatever.

My life, at this point in time, revolves around a few very simple things. There are, of course, other things in my world, but the main ones are the ones that mean the most to me RIGHT NOW. They are ( the 3 F's. )

OMG I'm so totally seeing HP and the GoF tomorrow!! I never thought I would be excited to say that. Although, to be fair, it was originally just the temptation of a cute underage girl with an English accent that lured me in so I think I can be forgiven for falling in love with the HP phenomenon.

I just went through and read back over my entire journal (which isnt that long) and I realise I have completely changed since my first post. If nothing else, I'm much more easily pissed off these days :-P

But I've definitely seen some change in the way I see relationships too. I used to be the kind of person that thought I needed to be with someone, or be in love with someone to be happy. Even when I was totally miserable because the person I wanted didnt want me, I was still pretty happy because, lets face it, I was getting what I wanted. And what I wanted was an excuse to feel something. An excuse to get emotional, whether that be in a good way or a bad way. Only recently have I changed in that sense. I don't feel like I need somebody else to define me anymore. A big part of that was talking to John again. He makes me feel like I'm worth something, even when certain things in my life aren't going well.

Back then I was happy because I was miserable. These days I'm just happy. I'm moving up in the world. Thanks brother, I owe you more than you know.

Serenity viewing number 5 was last night. It'll only be showing for about another week here and I want to see it at least once more before it's run is complete.

In other news, near the cinema I keep going to to see Serenity there's a coffee place. My flatmate and I have been going there the past few nights before seeing a movie and I met the most beautiful girl there. Her name is Natalie and she's a waitress in the coffee shop. She seems to have caught onto the fact that I'm completely infatuated and keeps slinging cute smiles my way when she sees me looking.

Too bad I'll never have the self confidence to ask her out. I think my status as trans stops me from doing that a lot. Plus the fact that I'm slightly overweight. Maybe I'll have a go at losing 20 pounds, and THEN I'll feel better about putting it all on the line and asking her out. But I doubt it.

Sometimes I worry about myself.

I've realised in the last week or so that I have what a lot of people would call an unhealthy obsession with a few certain shows (namely Buffy, Gilmore Girls, Ally McBeal and Firefly), certain characters from these shows, and the actors/actresses who play these characters. It's getting to the point where I feel more emotionally attached to the people in these shows than to people in my life. It's one thing to cry over a series finale or a death in a show, it's another thing completely to fly into a rage (and almost break my knuckles punching a brick wall) over a character I don't like becoming personally involved with a favourite character, or to become deeply depressed for days if something bad happens to a favourite character on the show.

It's just starting to scare me that every second sentence out of my mouth is a film or TV quote, or some seemingly insignificant fact about a star nobody seems to care about as much as I do. I actually wonder if there's a name for this 'disease' and if there's a support group or something for it. That might sound kind of stupid, but it's something I find crossing my mind a lot, and in complete seriousness.

I also have a completely seperate concern with the state of my personal life. I seem to have crushes on girl after girl, with nothing in common with each other or myself. The only link I can find in any of these crushes (which is exactly what they are, since they don't last very long and I know that I'm not in love with these women) is that in some small way, each of them reminds me of Lisa (or Little Avril as I may have called her on LJ before). I know I loved her and I'd do almost anything to be with her, but the fact of the matter is that it's never going to happen and I fear that my obsessiveness over this situation is going to deeply affect my ability to maintain, or even start a relationship. All this on top of my trans issues pretty much puts a damper on my chances of being with anybody.

I'm the kind of person who needs to feel something, anything, in order to feel alive. Even if that means anger, or hatred, or sadness. Maybe that's where the TV shows come in - I know I can't be in a real relationship because of all these fears, but I still need to feel something, and the TV shows provide the stimuli for creating these emotions. It's no wonder I wanted to study psychology.

I've noticed I've become quite a bit more interested in openly gay celebrities, too. Some men, but lesbian actresses make up the majority. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi have been of particular interest to me, and if anybody has any theories as to why I may be focusing so intently on this particular group of people, I would love to hear them. For me, it goes well beyond the "guys love lesbians" deal. It seems much deeper to me but I'm not sure why. Whenever I read about/hear about/see a loving lesbian relationship, I get a case of the warm and fuzzies. I find lesbian relationships to be among some of the more complex types of relationships, and I cant help that warm feeling that washes over me when I see a happy lesbian couple.

I don't know. Maybe I'm completely paranoid. Maybe I need professional help. Maybe I put too much thought into, or emphasis on, certain things. But for some reason, these three things seem to bother me quite a bit. I like to know why I feel the things I do, because I don't like feeling things without good reason - or at least without knowing whether or not there IS a reason.

Sometimes I just feel like a scared little boy who doesn't know who he is.

And I think that's the only feeling worse than being alone.

So...I know its been bloody ages since I posted to my journal. I've been completely and utterly slack. But, I'm starting again now for a pretty good reason.

I started T shots (250mg Primoteston Depot fortnightly) almost a week ago, on the 25th of July. From now on, I'll be keeping my journal updated regularly, for thoughts and such, and also as a "Progress Journal" of sorts. I can't wait to start seeing changes. My flatmate came to my appointment for my first shot and got instructed on how to administer the shots. On Monday the 8th of August he'll be coming to my second appointment and giving me my shot under my docs supervision. From then on he will be giving my shots fortnightly. No mucking around getting to doctors surgeries and such. Just a quick yell down the hall. Too easy mate.

I'll be taking voice clips and such, pictures of myself getting hairy (hopefully), and down the track a bit further, probably surgery pics too. I'm excited, yet at the same time, dont feel any different. I thought I'd feel different somehow after getting my first shot, not physically different but just a feeling. I dont know, its early days yet. But when it comes down to it, I'm already much happier.

So there you have it. I'll be counting down the days until shot number 2.

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On a slightly less happy note - a friend of mine was killed in a car accident the day before my birthday, I went home for the funeral and it was a very sad affair. I've never been to the funeral of someone I've really cared about before and it hurt more than I expected it would.

Other than that, I've been out of touch with Sarah, the english teacher I confessed my undying love for a year ago. We emailed each other a couple times over the death of my friend but she doesnt seem interested in knowing me anymore. Its a sad thing considering she was such a huge part of my life not even 2 years ago, and that she had such a big impact on my life and helped shape me into who I am. Now I'll never get to thank her for making me a stronger, happier, more caring boy. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I just find myself listening to her favourite song, London Still by The Waifs, over and over again; learning it for her like I always said I would but never had the time to before.

Anyway, she's not the only girl I've been in love with and she sure wont be the last, I just need to find a way to put Sarah's memories in my past and leave them there. Along with those of Lisa Y. I know my limits, and these are 2 women who will never love me in quite the same way as I do them.

Just curious now, how did "I'm so happy, I just started T" turn into "I'm lonely and need a hug coz the girls I fall for never love me back"??

Jye's been reading my LJ again. Hello, my boy :P

I had a great old chat to David tonight. We have way too many things in common. Hows this for something to have in common: We're both pathetic. But yeah Davo is a great guy to chat to.

Hunter I was thinking bout something. Since your coming to my party you'll need directions to my place wont you? :P I forget these things sometimes.

I need to start getting to sleep earlier, my whole timing is being thrown out of order. And David and Reid think I'm in love. That's NOT good.


*sigh* When does life get easier?

*whimpers*

Miss my Jye more each day. Between the talking every night online and the text messages all day (and sometimes at odd hours of the night) you'd think I'd be pretty contented. But no. I have to get all 'romance novel' and totally miss him for every spare second of the day.

I'm usually not the type to be like this about someone but I guess things change. I mean, if someone had told me 6 months ago that I would be head over heels for a GUY I would have laughed in their face. But just look at me. Everytime I talk about Jye apparently I turn into the faggiest trannyboy my friends have ever seen. Even Jye says so. Hmm, gunna have to stop that I think.

But he's just too cute. DAMMIT.

I spent last night with the most amazing girl.

Her name is Caetlyn, and she's a violinist. I met her a few months ago when I was helping out at the high school and I hung out at her class with her, but at that stage I didnt know her name and I was pretty shy, so inevitably I didnt ask.

And anyway, about a month ago I was playin a gig down at the local festival and she was in the front row. I started playin Boys Of Summer and when I got to the line "remember how you made me crazy, remember how I made you scream" I looked directly at her and smiled kinda suggestively. She started smiling and giggling and I almost started laughing halfway thru my song. But after that I finally had the courage to look for her and ask her name. But after looking for her for 3 and a half hours I couldnt find her and gave up.

So last night I get asked to play at a school concert that she is playing at (she's 16 by the way...I'm 18 for those of you that dont know) and we get talking out the back. So basically we ended up spending most of the night together and I told her about spending all that time looking for her at the festival and she thought it was very cute.

The only problem now is that I move to Brisbane in exactly one week. I want to see her a few more times before I go but since she is still in school the only way that will happen is if I help out there again in the next week.

So now I'm feeling sad to leave her behind after just one 'almost-date'.