jspencer1986: (Default)
My sister has some COOL friends. Seriously, these girls dry-hump each other and pretend to make out on camera. Imagine what they'd do if the camera was OFF.

So anyway, as pedantic as I normally am about my hair, I'm trying to grow it a bit. I have to try really hard not to get annoyed and complain about it getting shaggy because it's my choice to try to do this, but I used to get my hair cut once a month so it's hard to get used to it being so scruffy.

Also, I'm probably going to dye it black. It's been black before, but that was when it was short. I'm sort of interested in trying out the whole emo thing - you know...without all the wrist-slitting and tight pants. Plus, my sister has a lot of hot friends who would totally dig me if I was emo. Whatever.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Note to self: Next time you shave, try not to miss anything.

Also, I saw Bring It On: All Or Nothing yesterday. Hayden Panettiere...*droooool*

It's really no wonder my first girlfriend was a cheerleader.
jspencer1986: (Default)
My life, at this point in time, revolves around a few very simple things. There are, of course, other things in my world, but the main ones are the ones that mean the most to me RIGHT NOW. They are the 3 F's. )
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It's almost Christmas. I love the fact that I get to be home with my family, but I guess I'm kind of lonely. I keep reading about people being with their girlfriends and boyfriends and husbands and wives and it's kind of bringing me down. While I have come to terms with being single and the reasons behind it, Christmas is one of the hardest times for me. It's pretty much the only time of year when I give way too much thought to the fact that I'm alone in all this. Any other time I'm quite happy spending my spare time doing something I enjoy and not having to worry about what somebody else is doing/thinking, but times like this make me all too conscious of my relationship incompetence. My lack of "esso".

I don't claim to be the only person on the planet who has 'Christmas Issues'. Nor are my issues any better or worse then anybody elses. I just needed to vent my thoughts on the loneliness of a holiday that should be such a happy time.

Even the loneliest ones have partners tonight, or so it seems. Everyone but me.
jspencer1986: (Default)
OMG I'm so totally seeing HP and the GoF tomorrow!! I never thought I would be excited to say that. Although, to be fair, it was originally just the temptation of a cute underage girl with an English accent that lured me in so I think I can be forgiven for falling in love with the HP phenomenon.

I just went through and read back over my entire journal (which isnt that long) and I realise I have completely changed since my first post. If nothing else, I'm much more easily pissed off these days :-P

But I've definitely seen some change in the way I see relationships too. I used to be the kind of person that thought I needed to be with someone, or be in love with someone to be happy. Even when I was totally miserable because the person I wanted didnt want me, I was still pretty happy because, lets face it, I was getting what I wanted. And what I wanted was an excuse to feel something. An excuse to get emotional, whether that be in a good way or a bad way. Only recently have I changed in that sense. I don't feel like I need somebody else to define me anymore. A big part of that was talking to John again. He makes me feel like I'm worth something, even when certain things in my life aren't going well.

Back then I was happy because I was miserable. These days I'm just happy. I'm moving up in the world. Thanks brother, I owe you more than you know.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I have Wednesday and Thursday nights off work to hang out with my bro while he's here. We're having an ex girlfriend of his over on Wednesday. I haven't seen her in years, but apparently she has only changed for the better, and I had a crush on her while he was dating her. I'm sure I won't still feel it, it was like 10 years ago, plus I feel really out of sync with all things dating at the moment. It's odd.

On Thursday or Friday we're going to go into the city. I'll probably stop by the Daily Planet and get some more Buffy Trading Cards, then we can go see a movie, and maybe finish with a visit to Borders to get the Harry Potter books and then Starbucks.

Starbucks? Oh no. The council fears I am becoming too...American.

Boo hoo.

Also, I have to vent here. I totally hate when you email someone, including questions and such (therefore implying you wish the person to respond), and they just don't bother replying. That really gets on my nerves. If you're taking the time to email someone *cough*OldMathTeacherAndNowGoodFriend*cough* you obviously care enough to bother. Yet they can't be bothered to take 10 minutes (Read: A good solid hour) out of their day to say a simple 'Hey, how are you?' (Read: To tell me every little detail of their life in the past week, coz I'm the kind of person who wants to know).


OOH. And I finally administered my very first shot on myself yesterday. Not as difficult as I thought it would be. Guess I can keep doing it myself now :) Yay. No more getting my flatmate to look at my arse. Poor bastard.

Anyway, getting ready for work now so I'm going to make like my personality and split. Or make like a lettuce and head. Or make like a tom and cruise. Whatever.

Later days.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Serenity viewing number 5 was last night. It'll only be showing for about another week here and I want to see it at least once more before it's run is complete.

In other news, near the cinema I keep going to to see Serenity there's a coffee place. My flatmate and I have been going there the past few nights before seeing a movie and I met the most beautiful girl there. Her name is Natalie and she's a waitress in the coffee shop. She seems to have caught onto the fact that I'm completely infatuated and keeps slinging cute smiles my way when she sees me looking.

Too bad I'll never have the self confidence to ask her out. I think my status as trans stops me from doing that a lot. Plus the fact that I'm slightly overweight. Maybe I'll have a go at losing 20 pounds, and THEN I'll feel better about putting it all on the line and asking her out. But I doubt it.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Well, aint that an arrow to the heart.

I just found out one of my biggest high school crushes is getting married. I wish I could feel happy for her, but I've had a crush on this girl for close on 5 years so it's a bit difficult to take at the moment.

I'll write some more on the subject when I'm thinking a little clearer than "Find fiance. Destroy."
jspencer1986: (Default)
Sometimes I worry about myself.

I've realised in the last week or so that I have what a lot of people would call an unhealthy obsession with a few certain shows (namely Buffy, Gilmore Girls, Ally McBeal and Firefly), certain characters from these shows, and the actors/actresses who play these characters. It's getting to the point where I feel more emotionally attached to the people in these shows than to people in my life. It's one thing to cry over a series finale or a death in a show, it's another thing completely to fly into a rage (and almost break my knuckles punching a brick wall) over a character I don't like becoming personally involved with a favourite character, or to become deeply depressed for days if something bad happens to a favourite character on the show.

It's just starting to scare me that every second sentence out of my mouth is a film or TV quote, or some seemingly insignificant fact about a star nobody seems to care about as much as I do. I actually wonder if there's a name for this 'disease' and if there's a support group or something for it. That might sound kind of stupid, but it's something I find crossing my mind a lot, and in complete seriousness.

I also have a completely seperate concern with the state of my personal life. I seem to have crushes on girl after girl, with nothing in common with each other or myself. The only link I can find in any of these crushes (which is exactly what they are, since they don't last very long and I know that I'm not in love with these women) is that in some small way, each of them reminds me of Lisa (or Little Avril as I may have called her on LJ before). I know I loved her and I'd do almost anything to be with her, but the fact of the matter is that it's never going to happen and I fear that my obsessiveness over this situation is going to deeply affect my ability to maintain, or even start a relationship. All this on top of my trans issues pretty much puts a damper on my chances of being with anybody.

I'm the kind of person who needs to feel something, anything, in order to feel alive. Even if that means anger, or hatred, or sadness. Maybe that's where the TV shows come in - I know I can't be in a real relationship because of all these fears, but I still need to feel something, and the TV shows provide the stimuli for creating these emotions. It's no wonder I wanted to study psychology.

I've noticed I've become quite a bit more interested in openly gay celebrities, too. Some men, but lesbian actresses make up the majority. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi have been of particular interest to me, and if anybody has any theories as to why I may be focusing so intently on this particular group of people, I would love to hear them. For me, it goes well beyond the "guys love lesbians" deal. It seems much deeper to me but I'm not sure why. Whenever I read about/hear about/see a loving lesbian relationship, I get a case of the warm and fuzzies. I find lesbian relationships to be among some of the more complex types of relationships, and I cant help that warm feeling that washes over me when I see a happy lesbian couple.

I don't know. Maybe I'm completely paranoid. Maybe I need professional help. Maybe I put too much thought into, or emphasis on, certain things. But for some reason, these three things seem to bother me quite a bit. I like to know why I feel the things I do, because I don't like feeling things without good reason - or at least without knowing whether or not there IS a reason.

Sometimes I just feel like a scared little boy who doesn't know who he is.

And I think that's the only feeling worse than being alone.
jspencer1986: (Default)
In October of last year I wrote an LJ entry that had a dream in it about a woman I work with, Jo. Well, I've had feelings for her for a while now, and even with the age gap (11 years is a big gap I know, but I really just don't care) I think I've fallen for this woman. There's a few problems with this potential scenario -

1. She has a 10 year old daughter. This may not seem like a big deal but if you think about it, I'm closer to being her daughters age than I am to being her age (I'm now 19 and she's just turned 30). Plus I used to be her daughters drum teacher - I think it would be a bit weird for her daughter to deal with although Caitlyn seems like one of the smartest 10 year olds I have ever met when it comes to relationships and judging a persons character.

2. She is in a long-distance relationship with a guy down in Sydney. For a start, I have been cheated on before and would never ask anybody to cheat on their partner to be with me. Second, this obviously means she isn't particularly interested in me in a relationship capacity.

3. Tomorrow is her last day at the company where I work.

I went to say goodbye to her tonight coz I wont be there to see her tomorrow and we ended up talking for an hour, her asking questions about my transtition, and still managing to be tactful and playful about the whole thing. She asked me if I have a girlfriend which I find a bit strange but I'm pretty sure nothing was intended by it. The biggest problem of all is the fact that every time I talk to her I fall in love all over again. She's just that kind of person. She's wild and crazy and up for a good time when the opportunity arises, but she is a mother before all else and she cares about her daughter deeply.

I know a lot of transguys I've met and talked to have already been in long term relationships or at least had a partner before starting to transition, and even though sometimes transition takes its toll on the relationship and may even be the breaking point of it, I would think that having someone to share the experience with would feel much better than going through it all on your own. I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that I feel mentally ready for a relationship but as soon as the physical side of things comes into question I just can't bring myself to go there. I'd really like a partner to share myself with through this process but the thought of being rejected in the first place because of my gender expression is enough to make me too shy to ask anyone out, not to mention the embarrassment over my body holding me back.

I consider myself a nice guy, and cute enough when it comes down to it. But I'm just too body-conscious.

Anyway, Jo gave me her phone number for when we get the house fixed up and we wanna have a get together or a barbeque or something. I told her me and the boys would invite her over sometime for a drink and a chat. I'm going to miss having her around at work though.

I wonder sometimes just how many straight or bisexual girls out there really do have a soft spot for trannyboys...?
jspencer1986: (Default)
So...I know its been bloody ages since I posted to my journal. I've been completely and utterly slack. But, I'm starting again now for a pretty good reason.

I started T shots (250mg Primoteston Depot fortnightly) almost a week ago, on the 25th of July. From now on, I'll be keeping my journal updated regularly, for thoughts and such, and also as a "Progress Journal" of sorts. I can't wait to start seeing changes. My flatmate came to my appointment for my first shot and got instructed on how to administer the shots. On Monday the 8th of August he'll be coming to my second appointment and giving me my shot under my docs supervision. From then on he will be giving my shots fortnightly. No mucking around getting to doctors surgeries and such. Just a quick yell down the hall. Too easy mate.

I'll be taking voice clips and such, pictures of myself getting hairy (hopefully), and down the track a bit further, probably surgery pics too. I'm excited, yet at the same time, dont feel any different. I thought I'd feel different somehow after getting my first shot, not physically different but just a feeling. I dont know, its early days yet. But when it comes down to it, I'm already much happier.

So there you have it. I'll be counting down the days until shot number 2.


On a slightly less happy note - a friend of mine was killed in a car accident the day before my birthday, I went home for the funeral and it was a very sad affair. I've never been to the funeral of someone I've really cared about before and it hurt more than I expected it would.

Other than that, I've been out of touch with Sarah, the english teacher I confessed my undying love for a year ago. We emailed each other a couple times over the death of my friend but she doesnt seem interested in knowing me anymore. Its a sad thing considering she was such a huge part of my life not even 2 years ago, and that she had such a big impact on my life and helped shape me into who I am. Now I'll never get to thank her for making me a stronger, happier, more caring boy. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I just find myself listening to her favourite song, London Still by The Waifs, over and over again; learning it for her like I always said I would but never had the time to before.

Anyway, she's not the only girl I've been in love with and she sure wont be the last, I just need to find a way to put Sarah's memories in my past and leave them there. Along with those of Lisa Y. I know my limits, and these are 2 women who will never love me in quite the same way as I do them.

Just curious now, how did "I'm so happy, I just started T" turn into "I'm lonely and need a hug coz the girls I fall for never love me back"??
jspencer1986: (Default)
Ok so for all those prudes out there who don't like sex talk - I'm putting last night's dream (and my flatmates dream as well) under an LJ cut.

Our sweet dreams. )
jspencer1986: (Default)
Jye's been reading my LJ again. Hello, my boy :P

I had a great old chat to David tonight. We have way too many things in common. Hows this for something to have in common: We're both pathetic. But yeah Davo is a great guy to chat to.

Hunter I was thinking bout something. Since your coming to my party you'll need directions to my place wont you? :P I forget these things sometimes.

I need to start getting to sleep earlier, my whole timing is being thrown out of order. And David and Reid think I'm in love. That's NOT good.

*sigh* When does life get easier?
jspencer1986: (Default)
I got the new Avril CD today!! I think that's funny considering it was only released at 9:00 this morning :P

But anyways I listened to it, and it's fuckin' amazing! No prizes for guessing who half the songs remind me of though lol.

Speaking of Jye, here's a couple of the messages i have received, just so everybody else thinks he's as sweet as I do :P

About 11:30 last night - "Miss u already" (He only went offline about 2 mins before he sent the message.)

19th May about 6:30 - "aww Jamesy my boy i wish i could make all ur worries disappear, if i could i would"

AWWW. Gotta love my boi. *Accusing stare directed at everyone* No, you can't have him, I want him all for my own lol.

I shall call him squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my squishy!
jspencer1986: (Default)

Miss my Jye more each day. Between the talking every night online and the text messages all day (and sometimes at odd hours of the night) you'd think I'd be pretty contented. But no. I have to get all 'romance novel' and totally miss him for every spare second of the day.

I'm usually not the type to be like this about someone but I guess things change. I mean, if someone had told me 6 months ago that I would be head over heels for a GUY I would have laughed in their face. But just look at me. Everytime I talk about Jye apparently I turn into the faggiest trannyboy my friends have ever seen. Even Jye says so. Hmm, gunna have to stop that I think.

But he's just too cute. DAMMIT.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Hmm okay, so I told my Year 11/12 English teacher that I fell hard for her within the first few months she was teaching me. Mind you I graduated last year so it's been almost 2 years since then. I told her in an email yesterday afternoon and had a reply by last night. Strangely enough she said it didnt freak her out and that frankly she was surprised I didnt say anything sooner. Go figure right?

Her and I were best of friends back when I was going to school. We would stay behind and talk for ages after class, then I'd walk her to her staffroom and drop her off safe and sound - to her boyfriend. She was the first to know I was trans, and the first to tell me it wasn't going to be easy but she would be behind me all the way. She was amazing.

Anyway after I got her email last night, I decided it was time I emailed her back again and said everything I always wanted to say but never thought I'd have the chance. I told her what I thought about her, how everything I did seemed more important when I was with her and how when she said she was proud of me it was the first time I really believed it. Corny I know - but all true. So anyways now I am playing the waiting game to see if she even has the guts to reply back and tell me what she thinks of it all. Hopefully she will, because it's a bitch not knowing, and even if it's bad news it's better than being left hanging like I am now.

And in other news, Reid's party was sweet as. Meeting all the boys was fantastic and for the first time in ages I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Simon - he's a madman, gotta love him. Jim, Heath, Hunter - all total legends, I can't wait to see more of those guys. Paige - totally awesome sense of humour (Next time I'm bringing the salsa dip :P). Reid - he's a great guy, and so hilarious when he's drunk. And Jye - well, Jye knows he's my boy all the way. So all in all, great night, great people, great time.

jspencer1986: (Default)
I spent last night with the most amazing girl.

Her name is Caetlyn, and she's a violinist. I met her a few months ago when I was helping out at the high school and I hung out at her class with her, but at that stage I didnt know her name and I was pretty shy, so inevitably I didnt ask.

And anyway, about a month ago I was playin a gig down at the local festival and she was in the front row. I started playin Boys Of Summer and when I got to the line "remember how you made me crazy, remember how I made you scream" I looked directly at her and smiled kinda suggestively. She started smiling and giggling and I almost started laughing halfway thru my song. But after that I finally had the courage to look for her and ask her name. But after looking for her for 3 and a half hours I couldnt find her and gave up.

So last night I get asked to play at a school concert that she is playing at (she's 16 by the way...I'm 18 for those of you that dont know) and we get talking out the back. So basically we ended up spending most of the night together and I told her about spending all that time looking for her at the festival and she thought it was very cute.

The only problem now is that I move to Brisbane in exactly one week. I want to see her a few more times before I go but since she is still in school the only way that will happen is if I help out there again in the next week.

So now I'm feeling sad to leave her behind after just one 'almost-date'.

October 2010

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