James

So...I know its been bloody ages since I posted to my journal. I've been completely and utterly slack. But, I'm starting again now for a pretty good reason.

I started T shots (250mg Primoteston Depot fortnightly) almost a week ago, on the 25th of July. From now on, I'll be keeping my journal updated regularly, for thoughts and such, and also as a "Progress Journal" of sorts. I can't wait to start seeing changes. My flatmate came to my appointment for my first shot and got instructed on how to administer the shots. On Monday the 8th of August he'll be coming to my second appointment and giving me my shot under my docs supervision. From then on he will be giving my shots fortnightly. No mucking around getting to doctors surgeries and such. Just a quick yell down the hall. Too easy mate.

I'll be taking voice clips and such, pictures of myself getting hairy (hopefully), and down the track a bit further, probably surgery pics too. I'm excited, yet at the same time, dont feel any different. I thought I'd feel different somehow after getting my first shot, not physically different but just a feeling. I dont know, its early days yet. But when it comes down to it, I'm already much happier.

So there you have it. I'll be counting down the days until shot number 2.

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On a slightly less happy note - a friend of mine was killed in a car accident the day before my birthday, I went home for the funeral and it was a very sad affair. I've never been to the funeral of someone I've really cared about before and it hurt more than I expected it would.

Other than that, I've been out of touch with Sarah, the english teacher I confessed my undying love for a year ago. We emailed each other a couple times over the death of my friend but she doesnt seem interested in knowing me anymore. Its a sad thing considering she was such a huge part of my life not even 2 years ago, and that she had such a big impact on my life and helped shape me into who I am. Now I'll never get to thank her for making me a stronger, happier, more caring boy. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I just find myself listening to her favourite song, London Still by The Waifs, over and over again; learning it for her like I always said I would but never had the time to before.

Anyway, she's not the only girl I've been in love with and she sure wont be the last, I just need to find a way to put Sarah's memories in my past and leave them there. Along with those of Lisa Y. I know my limits, and these are 2 women who will never love me in quite the same way as I do them.

Just curious now, how did "I'm so happy, I just started T" turn into "I'm lonely and need a hug coz the girls I fall for never love me back"??

Hmm okay, so I told my Year 11/12 English teacher that I fell hard for her within the first few months she was teaching me. Mind you I graduated last year so it's been almost 2 years since then. I told her in an email yesterday afternoon and had a reply by last night. Strangely enough she said it didnt freak her out and that frankly she was surprised I didnt say anything sooner. Go figure right?

Her and I were best of friends back when I was going to school. We would stay behind and talk for ages after class, then I'd walk her to her staffroom and drop her off safe and sound - to her boyfriend. She was the first to know I was trans, and the first to tell me it wasn't going to be easy but she would be behind me all the way. She was amazing.

Anyway after I got her email last night, I decided it was time I emailed her back again and said everything I always wanted to say but never thought I'd have the chance. I told her what I thought about her, how everything I did seemed more important when I was with her and how when she said she was proud of me it was the first time I really believed it. Corny I know - but all true. So anyways now I am playing the waiting game to see if she even has the guts to reply back and tell me what she thinks of it all. Hopefully she will, because it's a bitch not knowing, and even if it's bad news it's better than being left hanging like I am now.

And in other news, Reid's party was sweet as. Meeting all the boys was fantastic and for the first time in ages I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Simon - he's a madman, gotta love him. Jim, Heath, Hunter - all total legends, I can't wait to see more of those guys. Paige - totally awesome sense of humour (Next time I'm bringing the salsa dip :P). Reid - he's a great guy, and so hilarious when he's drunk. And Jye - well, Jye knows he's my boy all the way. So all in all, great night, great people, great time.

Peace.