James

Bad, bad, bad.

My brother and I have had a lot of fights in our time, but tonight...

Jamie and his fiance want to get married in January of '07, but mum doesn't think she could handle it so soon after dad's funeral. He doesn't see it from her point of view, and he is making it very difficult for her.

So, eventually he said a little too much. I yelled at him and he yelled at me, then I punched him and he punched me and it went from there. We've never had an actual fistfight like this before.

Anyway, since then we've smoothed everything over and mum has stopped crying and there have been hugs and whatever. It's just too much at the moment I think. It's so hard for everyone to deal with and it's making it easier for us to argue and fight.

The trip home in the car was kind of difficult because we kept playing CD's with songs that dad used to sing and I kept seeing him in my head, up on stage, singing those songs, and I was having a really hard time of it.

Anyway.

I'm not thinking clearly, and that results in crazy stupid ideas.

I'm thinking quite seriously about a change. A move. If I can wait it out here where I'm working, go to my conventions in April/May, and hopefully get some part-time work for my days off (whether that be mowing lawns, busking, or doing odd jobs for people), I think I can get a few things sorted out. Honestly, my job is killing me. I'm dying a little more inside every day I have to be there, and as dramatic as that sounds, it's the truth. But, if this is where I need to be right now, then so be it. Here are my goals. I have no time constraints on them, but the quicker the better.

GOAL #1

Get my change of name finalised. FINALLY. It hasn't been done yet, for the simple fact that I haven't been able to afford it. Granted $100 doesn't sound like a lot, but it is when you don't have it. This goal includes getting my license changed to say James and MALE. *Note to self: Make appointment with Dr Linnane for letter about change of sex on license*

GOAL #2

Get my loans paid off. I'm about $5000 in debt (motorbike/guitar and amp), but if I can manage to get a little extra work here and there I may be able to sort that out sometime quite a bit sooner than expected. OR, my other option is getting a $5000 loan to pay out the 2 other loans. Doing that would cut my monthly payments in half, and I still may be able to pay it out sooner. In any case, I need to find a way to get rid of my debts and save a couple grand. FAST. I'll pretty much do anything short of selling myself on a street corner (although if I got really desperate...). Any ideas?

GOAL #3

Apply for a passport. I suppose I'm going to need documentation from both my psychs to get MALE on my passport but I know other guys who haven't had too many problems. I'm going to need to do this sometime in the near future anyway if I ever want to take a holiday to see John, but it also comes into play with...

GOAL #4

Take a preliminary trip to the US. Maybe a week or two, just to check the place out, see what the music scene is like, check the availability of work for someone with as few qualifications as I have (again, the street corner may come into play if I get desperate...), etc.

GOAL #5

Get details on what I need to do to acquire a work visa or whatever I need to get over there and stay for a while. If I go there, I want to be in it for the long haul - hence the preliminary trip first. I need to know that it's going to be as 'right' as I feel it will be.


Ok, before anybody says anything about it being a rushed, rash, or irrational decision, I would like to say, this has been a long time coming. It's something I've thought about long and hard, and it's not a decision I would take lightly. I love my family and I know I'm going to miss them a lot when I try to do all this, but I feel like this is what I need to do. I was listening to a Carrie Underwood song last night and I heard the line, "I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be", and I realised that I don't feel like that. I never have. This move will hopefully set that right. This is my life, and it might be a wrong decision, but it's my decision to make.

It won't be right away. I need time to organise myself, pay my debts, save some cash and take the trip to figure out the work and housing issues, but give it a year, maybe a little longer, and I hope to be out of this place, and out of the rut I'm in. I want this. No, it's more than that. I need this, and hopefully the people I love can understand and support me. I need to start over, and I think Seattle might just be the place to do it.

John. I just want you to know that although you're a big part of the Seattle decision, I'm not doing this for you. I don't want you to think that I just want to be over there because that's where you are and I want us to be able to hang out or whatever. While I do like the idea of finally getting to be as close in person as we are from opposite sides of the world, this decision was made purely for me. It was your influence that led me to believe that I can actually achieve these goals, and for that I'm thankful. Know that I love you and you'll always be my big brother.

My life, at this point in time, revolves around a few very simple things. There are, of course, other things in my world, but the main ones are the ones that mean the most to me RIGHT NOW. They are ( the 3 F's. )

OMG I'm so totally seeing HP and the GoF tomorrow!! I never thought I would be excited to say that. Although, to be fair, it was originally just the temptation of a cute underage girl with an English accent that lured me in so I think I can be forgiven for falling in love with the HP phenomenon.

I just went through and read back over my entire journal (which isnt that long) and I realise I have completely changed since my first post. If nothing else, I'm much more easily pissed off these days :-P

But I've definitely seen some change in the way I see relationships too. I used to be the kind of person that thought I needed to be with someone, or be in love with someone to be happy. Even when I was totally miserable because the person I wanted didnt want me, I was still pretty happy because, lets face it, I was getting what I wanted. And what I wanted was an excuse to feel something. An excuse to get emotional, whether that be in a good way or a bad way. Only recently have I changed in that sense. I don't feel like I need somebody else to define me anymore. A big part of that was talking to John again. He makes me feel like I'm worth something, even when certain things in my life aren't going well.

Back then I was happy because I was miserable. These days I'm just happy. I'm moving up in the world. Thanks brother, I owe you more than you know.

Serenity viewing number 5 was last night. It'll only be showing for about another week here and I want to see it at least once more before it's run is complete.

In other news, near the cinema I keep going to to see Serenity there's a coffee place. My flatmate and I have been going there the past few nights before seeing a movie and I met the most beautiful girl there. Her name is Natalie and she's a waitress in the coffee shop. She seems to have caught onto the fact that I'm completely infatuated and keeps slinging cute smiles my way when she sees me looking.

Too bad I'll never have the self confidence to ask her out. I think my status as trans stops me from doing that a lot. Plus the fact that I'm slightly overweight. Maybe I'll have a go at losing 20 pounds, and THEN I'll feel better about putting it all on the line and asking her out. But I doubt it.

Just went to see Serenity again. Didn't end up going last night since I was at Davids birthday bash. There was, like, four of us. But I did finally get to meet the guy Dave's been in love with since forever, Brady.

He was a great guy, badly in need of a haircut, but cute just the same. And ohhhh so gay.

But anyway back to Serenity. I definitely got through it a lot easier the second time around. I must admit though, the first time I saw the movie I was basically in shock, the second time I knew what was coming and actually had a bit of a cry afterwards. I could deal a bit easier with what had happened.

I still think I'll need to see it at least another 2 or 3 times before I'm fully able to comprehend the whole thing. Not because the movie is difficult to understand but because I was a devout Firefly fan and became attached to the characters over the course of the series, and it feels like all these terrible things are happening to people I've been friends with my whole life. It's not easy to get over bad things happening to good friends.

A great deal of the other people going to see it have never seen Firefly and so are slightly less attached to the characters. This would make it easier for them to distance themselves from the emotion of it all, the emotion that a true fan couldn't (and wouldn't) try to distance himself from.

I guess sometimes the way I talk about Buffy and Firefly can seem extreme, but I think that's the passion of being a true fan. It's not about obsession, and I don't even think it's about a love of the show itself. It's an emotional attachment to the characters, the friendship you feel towards them, even though (contrary to popular belief) they aren't real people. Yes, the actors are real enough, but the characters they play are exactly that. Characters. Roles.

Even so. Buffy, Faith, Dawn, Willow, Anya, Tara, Xander, Kennedy, Giles, Spike and Oz ARE my friends. Mal, Zoe, Wash, Jayne, Kaylee, River, Inara and Simon ARE my friends. Understandably, some people will think I'm crazy, for that statement alone. But there'll be others out there who know EXACTLY what I'm talking about, because all these people are THEIR FRIENDS TOO.

And you guys are the ones I find most worth being friends with because...well, any friend of Kaylee's is a friend of mine :)

Sometimes I worry about myself.

I've realised in the last week or so that I have what a lot of people would call an unhealthy obsession with a few certain shows (namely Buffy, Gilmore Girls, Ally McBeal and Firefly), certain characters from these shows, and the actors/actresses who play these characters. It's getting to the point where I feel more emotionally attached to the people in these shows than to people in my life. It's one thing to cry over a series finale or a death in a show, it's another thing completely to fly into a rage (and almost break my knuckles punching a brick wall) over a character I don't like becoming personally involved with a favourite character, or to become deeply depressed for days if something bad happens to a favourite character on the show.

It's just starting to scare me that every second sentence out of my mouth is a film or TV quote, or some seemingly insignificant fact about a star nobody seems to care about as much as I do. I actually wonder if there's a name for this 'disease' and if there's a support group or something for it. That might sound kind of stupid, but it's something I find crossing my mind a lot, and in complete seriousness.

I also have a completely seperate concern with the state of my personal life. I seem to have crushes on girl after girl, with nothing in common with each other or myself. The only link I can find in any of these crushes (which is exactly what they are, since they don't last very long and I know that I'm not in love with these women) is that in some small way, each of them reminds me of Lisa (or Little Avril as I may have called her on LJ before). I know I loved her and I'd do almost anything to be with her, but the fact of the matter is that it's never going to happen and I fear that my obsessiveness over this situation is going to deeply affect my ability to maintain, or even start a relationship. All this on top of my trans issues pretty much puts a damper on my chances of being with anybody.

I'm the kind of person who needs to feel something, anything, in order to feel alive. Even if that means anger, or hatred, or sadness. Maybe that's where the TV shows come in - I know I can't be in a real relationship because of all these fears, but I still need to feel something, and the TV shows provide the stimuli for creating these emotions. It's no wonder I wanted to study psychology.

I've noticed I've become quite a bit more interested in openly gay celebrities, too. Some men, but lesbian actresses make up the majority. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi have been of particular interest to me, and if anybody has any theories as to why I may be focusing so intently on this particular group of people, I would love to hear them. For me, it goes well beyond the "guys love lesbians" deal. It seems much deeper to me but I'm not sure why. Whenever I read about/hear about/see a loving lesbian relationship, I get a case of the warm and fuzzies. I find lesbian relationships to be among some of the more complex types of relationships, and I cant help that warm feeling that washes over me when I see a happy lesbian couple.

I don't know. Maybe I'm completely paranoid. Maybe I need professional help. Maybe I put too much thought into, or emphasis on, certain things. But for some reason, these three things seem to bother me quite a bit. I like to know why I feel the things I do, because I don't like feeling things without good reason - or at least without knowing whether or not there IS a reason.

Sometimes I just feel like a scared little boy who doesn't know who he is.

And I think that's the only feeling worse than being alone.