(no subject)

This afternoon I had a meeting with my supervisor and my boss to ask them for more money. At this point in time, I am the lowest earner in our entire operation (everyone else is on at least $12 an hour - I'm on little more than $9), and if I want chest surgery any time in the next 10 years I really needed to do something about the pay situation.

So after my supervisor criticizes me and tells me "You can't just ask for more money because you spend too much, or there's something you want to buy", and my boss flat out says that when I'm unsupervised on night shifts, he believes I do absolutely nothing, they spend the next half hour insulting me about the way I do my job. Then they have a bitch about the fact that my finances should be my problem, not theirs, and basically tell me I should just stay home any time I'm not working. Then they insult me some more. Then they pretty much give me the "we'll talk it over and check the figures and get back to you" brush-off.

I feel so lost and out of place. I'm so angry all the time. Little things really upset and annoy me. I just don't know where I belong anymore. I thought I was in the right place, in terms of career choices, because I had a great environment for transitioning and a lot of great people around me, but after the fuck-arounds with my shifts, my pays and this meeting today, I'm just not sure. I was writing a few ideas for songs tonight and I realised that I'll never be happy doing anything but music. In fact, I don't know how I fooled myself into believing that I was actually happy in my job for so long. I NEED music in my life, it's who I am. It's a part of me, and when I'm not playing, I miss it fiercely. This is part of what I wrote tonight:

I work dead-end jobs
Just to get by
I'm so tired of making ends meet,
But there's one thing I know
When I'm not on that stage
I'm missing the music in me.

I need to do something to get into performing or songwriting SOON, otherwise I can see I'm going to go insane where I am. Something is wrong and I think I need some help. It's not right for a 19-year-old to be this jaded.

(no subject)

I'm not thinking clearly, and that results in crazy stupid ideas.

I'm thinking quite seriously about a change. A move. If I can wait it out here where I'm working, go to my conventions in April/May, and hopefully get some part-time work for my days off (whether that be mowing lawns, busking, or doing odd jobs for people), I think I can get a few things sorted out. Honestly, my job is killing me. I'm dying a little more inside every day I have to be there, and as dramatic as that sounds, it's the truth. But, if this is where I need to be right now, then so be it. Here are my goals. I have no time constraints on them, but the quicker the better.

GOAL #1

Get my change of name finalised. FINALLY. It hasn't been done yet, for the simple fact that I haven't been able to afford it. Granted $100 doesn't sound like a lot, but it is when you don't have it. This goal includes getting my license changed to say James and MALE. *Note to self: Make appointment with Dr Linnane for letter about change of sex on license*

GOAL #2

Get my loans paid off. I'm about $5000 in debt (motorbike/guitar and amp), but if I can manage to get a little extra work here and there I may be able to sort that out sometime quite a bit sooner than expected. OR, my other option is getting a $5000 loan to pay out the 2 other loans. Doing that would cut my monthly payments in half, and I still may be able to pay it out sooner. In any case, I need to find a way to get rid of my debts and save a couple grand. FAST. I'll pretty much do anything short of selling myself on a street corner (although if I got really desperate...). Any ideas?

GOAL #3

Apply for a passport. I suppose I'm going to need documentation from both my psychs to get MALE on my passport but I know other guys who haven't had too many problems. I'm going to need to do this sometime in the near future anyway if I ever want to take a holiday to see John, but it also comes into play with...

GOAL #4

Take a preliminary trip to the US. Maybe a week or two, just to check the place out, see what the music scene is like, check the availability of work for someone with as few qualifications as I have (again, the street corner may come into play if I get desperate...), etc.

GOAL #5

Get details on what I need to do to acquire a work visa or whatever I need to get over there and stay for a while. If I go there, I want to be in it for the long haul - hence the preliminary trip first. I need to know that it's going to be as 'right' as I feel it will be.


Ok, before anybody says anything about it being a rushed, rash, or irrational decision, I would like to say, this has been a long time coming. It's something I've thought about long and hard, and it's not a decision I would take lightly. I love my family and I know I'm going to miss them a lot when I try to do all this, but I feel like this is what I need to do. I was listening to a Carrie Underwood song last night and I heard the line, "I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be", and I realised that I don't feel like that. I never have. This move will hopefully set that right. This is my life, and it might be a wrong decision, but it's my decision to make.

It won't be right away. I need time to organise myself, pay my debts, save some cash and take the trip to figure out the work and housing issues, but give it a year, maybe a little longer, and I hope to be out of this place, and out of the rut I'm in. I want this. No, it's more than that. I need this, and hopefully the people I love can understand and support me. I need to start over, and I think Seattle might just be the place to do it.

John. I just want you to know that although you're a big part of the Seattle decision, I'm not doing this for you. I don't want you to think that I just want to be over there because that's where you are and I want us to be able to hang out or whatever. While I do like the idea of finally getting to be as close in person as we are from opposite sides of the world, this decision was made purely for me. It was your influence that led me to believe that I can actually achieve these goals, and for that I'm thankful. Know that I love you and you'll always be my big brother.