jspencer1986: (Default)
I have Wednesday and Thursday nights off work to hang out with my bro while he's here. We're having an ex girlfriend of his over on Wednesday. I haven't seen her in years, but apparently she has only changed for the better, and I had a crush on her while he was dating her. I'm sure I won't still feel it, it was like 10 years ago, plus I feel really out of sync with all things dating at the moment. It's odd.

On Thursday or Friday we're going to go into the city. I'll probably stop by the Daily Planet and get some more Buffy Trading Cards, then we can go see a movie, and maybe finish with a visit to Borders to get the Harry Potter books and then Starbucks.

Starbucks? Oh no. The council fears I am becoming too...American.

Boo hoo.

Also, I have to vent here. I totally hate when you email someone, including questions and such (therefore implying you wish the person to respond), and they just don't bother replying. That really gets on my nerves. If you're taking the time to email someone *cough*OldMathTeacherAndNowGoodFriend*cough* you obviously care enough to bother. Yet they can't be bothered to take 10 minutes (Read: A good solid hour) out of their day to say a simple 'Hey, how are you?' (Read: To tell me every little detail of their life in the past week, coz I'm the kind of person who wants to know).

Bitches.

OOH. And I finally administered my very first shot on myself yesterday. Not as difficult as I thought it would be. Guess I can keep doing it myself now :) Yay. No more getting my flatmate to look at my arse. Poor bastard.

Anyway, getting ready for work now so I'm going to make like my personality and split. Or make like a lettuce and head. Or make like a tom and cruise. Whatever.

Later days.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Serenity viewing number 5 was last night. It'll only be showing for about another week here and I want to see it at least once more before it's run is complete.

In other news, near the cinema I keep going to to see Serenity there's a coffee place. My flatmate and I have been going there the past few nights before seeing a movie and I met the most beautiful girl there. Her name is Natalie and she's a waitress in the coffee shop. She seems to have caught onto the fact that I'm completely infatuated and keeps slinging cute smiles my way when she sees me looking.

Too bad I'll never have the self confidence to ask her out. I think my status as trans stops me from doing that a lot. Plus the fact that I'm slightly overweight. Maybe I'll have a go at losing 20 pounds, and THEN I'll feel better about putting it all on the line and asking her out. But I doubt it.
jspencer1986: (Default)
In October of last year I wrote an LJ entry that had a dream in it about a woman I work with, Jo. Well, I've had feelings for her for a while now, and even with the age gap (11 years is a big gap I know, but I really just don't care) I think I've fallen for this woman. There's a few problems with this potential scenario -

1. She has a 10 year old daughter. This may not seem like a big deal but if you think about it, I'm closer to being her daughters age than I am to being her age (I'm now 19 and she's just turned 30). Plus I used to be her daughters drum teacher - I think it would be a bit weird for her daughter to deal with although Caitlyn seems like one of the smartest 10 year olds I have ever met when it comes to relationships and judging a persons character.

2. She is in a long-distance relationship with a guy down in Sydney. For a start, I have been cheated on before and would never ask anybody to cheat on their partner to be with me. Second, this obviously means she isn't particularly interested in me in a relationship capacity.

3. Tomorrow is her last day at the company where I work.

I went to say goodbye to her tonight coz I wont be there to see her tomorrow and we ended up talking for an hour, her asking questions about my transtition, and still managing to be tactful and playful about the whole thing. She asked me if I have a girlfriend which I find a bit strange but I'm pretty sure nothing was intended by it. The biggest problem of all is the fact that every time I talk to her I fall in love all over again. She's just that kind of person. She's wild and crazy and up for a good time when the opportunity arises, but she is a mother before all else and she cares about her daughter deeply.

I know a lot of transguys I've met and talked to have already been in long term relationships or at least had a partner before starting to transition, and even though sometimes transition takes its toll on the relationship and may even be the breaking point of it, I would think that having someone to share the experience with would feel much better than going through it all on your own. I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that I feel mentally ready for a relationship but as soon as the physical side of things comes into question I just can't bring myself to go there. I'd really like a partner to share myself with through this process but the thought of being rejected in the first place because of my gender expression is enough to make me too shy to ask anyone out, not to mention the embarrassment over my body holding me back.

I consider myself a nice guy, and cute enough when it comes down to it. But I'm just too body-conscious.

Anyway, Jo gave me her phone number for when we get the house fixed up and we wanna have a get together or a barbeque or something. I told her me and the boys would invite her over sometime for a drink and a chat. I'm going to miss having her around at work though.

I wonder sometimes just how many straight or bisexual girls out there really do have a soft spot for trannyboys...?
jspencer1986: (Default)
Basically I'm writing (or trying to write) a screenplay. Take the storyline of Star Wars, the characters of How High, the pay-outs of Not Another Teen Movie and the stupidity of Dude, Where's My Car and you'll come somewhere close to what this movie will be like. My flatmate and I are thinking of pitching the completed script to a film company.

I got my second T shot yesterday, Matt gave it to me in Gale's office to make sure he had the technique down, and from now on he can administer my shots at home. There haven't been any significant changes as of yet, but at 2 weeks I didnt expect anything anyway. I've had a slight increase in sex drive (which kicked in about 3 days after my first shot and died down again about 2 days before my second shot), and a slight drop in my voice, which my flatmates actually informed me of. Once they said something about it I tried singing a song I had trouble with before going on T and actually had no trouble hitting the low notes. I was surprised at this because I thought the voice would take a lot longer to start changing. Oh yeah and my face seems to be getting slightly oilier.

Gale has me on Doxylin tablets for my acne *just remembered I didnt take one today...oops, thats the first time I've forgotten* and they seem to be working well so far, my acne is definitely getting under control.

In other news, I've been talking a lot to a girl named Steph who lives about 6 hours north of me (up near my parents) and a friend of hers, Kim. I've been talking to Steph for a few months now and I told her a few nights ago that I'm not biologically male. Now, her family is religious and I was worried about her reaction but she was great. She said it doesnt make me any less of a man to her and she respected me enough not to say anything to Kim so that I may tell her when I see fit. I was a bit taken aback though when Kim asked me out the other night...she thinks I'm a really sweet guy (even though I still sound like I'm 11 years old), but I had to turn her down. I'm not ready for a relationship, especially not a long distance relationship. All that aside, I feel the need for that closeness with someone because at the moment I'm just starting transition and I'm finding it to be a slightly lonely and isolating experience. By no means am I unhappy, I'm just lonely I think.

On a happier note, I had the night off work tonight. Me and the boys sat around listening to music, drinking and playing cards. It was bloody great.

Before I go, I'd just like to say: I HATE COPS. THE BASTARDS GOT MY BROTHERS LICENSE SUSPENDED FOR 6 MONTHS OVER A SPEEDING FINE HE CHALLENGED IN COURT BECAUSE THEY PULLED HIM OVER INSTEAD OF THE CAR THAT WAS ACTUALLY SPEEDING. SINCE WHEN DOES A BRAND NEW SUBARU IMPREZA GX LOOK LIKE A FUCKING SKYLINE WITH A MISSING FRONT BUMPER?!?!?

Grr.
jspencer1986: (Default)
So...I know its been bloody ages since I posted to my journal. I've been completely and utterly slack. But, I'm starting again now for a pretty good reason.

I started T shots (250mg Primoteston Depot fortnightly) almost a week ago, on the 25th of July. From now on, I'll be keeping my journal updated regularly, for thoughts and such, and also as a "Progress Journal" of sorts. I can't wait to start seeing changes. My flatmate came to my appointment for my first shot and got instructed on how to administer the shots. On Monday the 8th of August he'll be coming to my second appointment and giving me my shot under my docs supervision. From then on he will be giving my shots fortnightly. No mucking around getting to doctors surgeries and such. Just a quick yell down the hall. Too easy mate.

I'll be taking voice clips and such, pictures of myself getting hairy (hopefully), and down the track a bit further, probably surgery pics too. I'm excited, yet at the same time, dont feel any different. I thought I'd feel different somehow after getting my first shot, not physically different but just a feeling. I dont know, its early days yet. But when it comes down to it, I'm already much happier.

So there you have it. I'll be counting down the days until shot number 2.

--------------

On a slightly less happy note - a friend of mine was killed in a car accident the day before my birthday, I went home for the funeral and it was a very sad affair. I've never been to the funeral of someone I've really cared about before and it hurt more than I expected it would.

Other than that, I've been out of touch with Sarah, the english teacher I confessed my undying love for a year ago. We emailed each other a couple times over the death of my friend but she doesnt seem interested in knowing me anymore. Its a sad thing considering she was such a huge part of my life not even 2 years ago, and that she had such a big impact on my life and helped shape me into who I am. Now I'll never get to thank her for making me a stronger, happier, more caring boy. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I just find myself listening to her favourite song, London Still by The Waifs, over and over again; learning it for her like I always said I would but never had the time to before.

Anyway, she's not the only girl I've been in love with and she sure wont be the last, I just need to find a way to put Sarah's memories in my past and leave them there. Along with those of Lisa Y. I know my limits, and these are 2 women who will never love me in quite the same way as I do them.

Just curious now, how did "I'm so happy, I just started T" turn into "I'm lonely and need a hug coz the girls I fall for never love me back"??
jspencer1986: (Default)
It's been a long time - more than 3 months - since I last posted. I've been lost without my computer, internet and cellphone. I'm so happy I have them back - not at their best, but back just the same. My computer is as slow as my grandmother on a Sunday afternoon, my internet loads pages so slowly that most of them time out before they are done, and my cellphone is about the size of a brick. But at least they are all working again.

Anyway - mad dream. This chick that I work with, Jo, is the cutest, sweetest, sexiest little thing ever. We just won't mention that she's 11 years older than me, right? Well, I had this dream about her last night. It involved her, a party, a bunch of gangsters and a bed surrounded by curtains. It's understandable that there were gangsters in it considering I was listening to Dykes on Mykes last night and they were talking to the leading ladies from the all-girl production of Reservoir Dogs coming up in Brissy. But anywho here's my dream - for those interested. )

In other news, I came out at work a while ago and now I am officially James to everyone there even though it's not on any official documents yet, and my bosses try their best to suit my work times around my appointments (if its necessary) which is cool. All of the staff think of me as one of the boys and that's how I'm treated. I'm lovin' it.

Also - if anyone listens to the Hot 30 Countdown with Higgo and Alexis on B105 - please note that Alexis is a major hottie. So are Nat and Davinia from Dykes on Mykes. Which reminds me, they were talking about Pride '05 last night and I can't wait for it. Finally 18 so I can go into the Beer tent with the other T-boys and be macho.

It's 3am, I must be lonely.

Ok...just a little bit lonely, mostly just tired coz I only finished night shift at midnight. (10 hour shift, 2pm - midnight, no breaks.) Plus this post is a lot longer than I intended it to be so I apologise. And for anybody I usually email, I'm sorry, I can't get into my hotmail coz the page won't load so once that's running again you will all be receiving lots of mail :D
Later dayz, y'all.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Jye's been reading my LJ again. Hello, my boy :P

I had a great old chat to David tonight. We have way too many things in common. Hows this for something to have in common: We're both pathetic. But yeah Davo is a great guy to chat to.

Hunter I was thinking bout something. Since your coming to my party you'll need directions to my place wont you? :P I forget these things sometimes.

I need to start getting to sleep earlier, my whole timing is being thrown out of order. And David and Reid think I'm in love. That's NOT good.


*sigh* When does life get easier?
jspencer1986: (Default)
Well.

I'm having a short sentence day.

I feel tired.
I feel somewhat stressed.
I feel slightly sick.
I feel annoyed at my mums reaction to me getting my first appointnment with Gale. "Geez, you don't muck around do you..." *note the sarcastic eye roll*

I also feel bad about letting my mother get to me like she does.

It's sad really.
jspencer1986: (Default)
*whimpers*

Miss my Jye more each day. Between the talking every night online and the text messages all day (and sometimes at odd hours of the night) you'd think I'd be pretty contented. But no. I have to get all 'romance novel' and totally miss him for every spare second of the day.

I'm usually not the type to be like this about someone but I guess things change. I mean, if someone had told me 6 months ago that I would be head over heels for a GUY I would have laughed in their face. But just look at me. Everytime I talk about Jye apparently I turn into the faggiest trannyboy my friends have ever seen. Even Jye says so. Hmm, gunna have to stop that I think.

But he's just too cute. DAMMIT.
jspencer1986: (Default)
So. I've moved out of my parents house. I moved into my uncle Alan's house a week ago with him and two other twenty-something guys, David and Mat. The first weekend was kind of scary, but now it's just like I'm living with a bunch of guys my age. I told Al about 3 nights ago that I'm trans and he was totally supportive and wants to help me in any way possible. His girlfriend is the same, except she is worried about me and wants to protect me from the cruel world :P So anyways, I met Reid on the 3rd day I was down here and he's one hell of a cool guy. He talked bikes with the boys and showed his off a bit and the guys took to him right away which is sweet. I'm dropping into his party tonight but only for a little while coz I'm bringing two mates, one of which just recently had an operation. But anyways the point of this post is to say that my life feels good right now - I'm getting 10 hours a week at the Servo next door very soon which will cover all my costs to be here, I'm meeting lots of new people all of whom are amazing and open and kind, and I've been partying with the boys (who treat ME like one of the boys AND call me James) every night. Life has changed for me and I believe I'm becoming a better and happier person because of it.
jspencer1986: (Default)
James: One who takes the place of another. How appropriate.

Finn told me when he was down here to see me that that is what my name meant, but I couldn't remember so I looked it up tonight. Most of the baby names sites I read only said: James - Supplanter. So I was all like "WTF is a supplanter?!"

So anyway I went to www.dictionary.com to look it up and it said "one that takes the place of another". I like that definition because I feel like it describes me, and the fact that I am finally breaking out of what I was, and becoming who I know I can be.

I didn't even know what James meant 5 months ago when I chose it. It sounds pretty stupid but I was told after I got my hair cut that I looked like James Hetfield from Metallica (minus much wanted facial hair!) when I was performing. So I tried the name out, asked a few people how it "fit" me - and overall it went well. And on top of that I liked it, and thus became James. Keeping my family happy is a high priority also, which is most of the reason why I'm making my two middle names very close in resemblance to my birth name and middle name. My last name...well I would love to change it but that would cause a LOT of upset.

Hence, James Nicholas Jay B-

On a less interesting note, my mum is making me ask my dad how he feels about my plans to transition before I leave for Brisbane.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I'm totally outraged at the hide of the media these days.

All the news stories and publications about Alex, the 13 year old transboi have been ridiculous and have really grated on my nerves. They haven't used proper pronouns, referring to Alex as a girl, and even moreso, a girl who wishes to have a "sex change". They have used Male to Females to represent the Female to Male Community, and the Trans community in general, also only showing the opinions of TWO transpeople compared to the rest of the community. Furthermore, these transwomen don't agree with the courts decision on Alex - I dont believe it is for anyone else to decide, whether that person be a transgendered person or a judge or anybody on the street. I know how annoyed I am at the fact that two psychs have to tell me I am right about who I am before I can start T. So you can imagine how annoyed I am at the idea that a court has to tell Alex whether or not he is allowed to transition, and how much more annoyed I am at the fact that even other transpeople are judging Alex as to whether he is too young to make this decision. Most of the transpeople I associate with knew at a much younger age than 13 that there was something "different" about him or her, so why should transgendered citizens of all people be saying anything AGAINST the courts decision?

Alex deserves the choice, just like most of us wish we had the choice so much earlier than we did, and I dont think anybody else has the right to say whether he is too young to be himself.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I have to talk about this episode of Boston Public I watched last night.

This transwoman named Robin ran for prom queen. All the kids were trying to stop her from going in it, but she did anyway, and she won.

She thought everyone was going to make fun of her after that but when she went to walk off the stage, the prom king said "the king and queen are sposed to dance". Robin thought he was making fun of her and tried to walk away but the prom king grabbed her and said it again. Robin said she wasn't looking for trouble or to be made fun of, and the king said "I'm not trying to make fun of you".

Awww.

So they danced and talked and stuff and the guy was really nice. It was a really emotional thing for me to see and I thought it was the nicest thing about transgenderism/transexualism I have ever seen on TV. Definitely the most positive thing at least.

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