jspencer1986: (Default)
I'm not thinking clearly, and that results in crazy stupid ideas.

I'm thinking quite seriously about a change. A move. If I can wait it out here where I'm working, go to my conventions in April/May, and hopefully get some part-time work for my days off (whether that be mowing lawns, busking, or doing odd jobs for people), I think I can get a few things sorted out. Honestly, my job is killing me. I'm dying a little more inside every day I have to be there, and as dramatic as that sounds, it's the truth. But, if this is where I need to be right now, then so be it. Here are my goals. I have no time constraints on them, but the quicker the better.

GOAL #1

Get my change of name finalised. FINALLY. It hasn't been done yet, for the simple fact that I haven't been able to afford it. Granted $100 doesn't sound like a lot, but it is when you don't have it. This goal includes getting my license changed to say James and MALE. *Note to self: Make appointment with Dr Linnane for letter about change of sex on license*

GOAL #2

Get my loans paid off. I'm about $5000 in debt (motorbike/guitar and amp), but if I can manage to get a little extra work here and there I may be able to sort that out sometime quite a bit sooner than expected. OR, my other option is getting a $5000 loan to pay out the 2 other loans. Doing that would cut my monthly payments in half, and I still may be able to pay it out sooner. In any case, I need to find a way to get rid of my debts and save a couple grand. FAST. I'll pretty much do anything short of selling myself on a street corner (although if I got really desperate...). Any ideas?

GOAL #3

Apply for a passport. I suppose I'm going to need documentation from both my psychs to get MALE on my passport but I know other guys who haven't had too many problems. I'm going to need to do this sometime in the near future anyway if I ever want to take a holiday to see John, but it also comes into play with...

GOAL #4

Take a preliminary trip to the US. Maybe a week or two, just to check the place out, see what the music scene is like, check the availability of work for someone with as few qualifications as I have (again, the street corner may come into play if I get desperate...), etc.

GOAL #5

Get details on what I need to do to acquire a work visa or whatever I need to get over there and stay for a while. If I go there, I want to be in it for the long haul - hence the preliminary trip first. I need to know that it's going to be as 'right' as I feel it will be.


Ok, before anybody says anything about it being a rushed, rash, or irrational decision, I would like to say, this has been a long time coming. It's something I've thought about long and hard, and it's not a decision I would take lightly. I love my family and I know I'm going to miss them a lot when I try to do all this, but I feel like this is what I need to do. I was listening to a Carrie Underwood song last night and I heard the line, "I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be", and I realised that I don't feel like that. I never have. This move will hopefully set that right. This is my life, and it might be a wrong decision, but it's my decision to make.

It won't be right away. I need time to organise myself, pay my debts, save some cash and take the trip to figure out the work and housing issues, but give it a year, maybe a little longer, and I hope to be out of this place, and out of the rut I'm in. I want this. No, it's more than that. I need this, and hopefully the people I love can understand and support me. I need to start over, and I think Seattle might just be the place to do it.

John. I just want you to know that although you're a big part of the Seattle decision, I'm not doing this for you. I don't want you to think that I just want to be over there because that's where you are and I want us to be able to hang out or whatever. While I do like the idea of finally getting to be as close in person as we are from opposite sides of the world, this decision was made purely for me. It was your influence that led me to believe that I can actually achieve these goals, and for that I'm thankful. Know that I love you and you'll always be my big brother.
jspencer1986: (Default)
It's been a long time - more than 3 months - since I last posted. I've been lost without my computer, internet and cellphone. I'm so happy I have them back - not at their best, but back just the same. My computer is as slow as my grandmother on a Sunday afternoon, my internet loads pages so slowly that most of them time out before they are done, and my cellphone is about the size of a brick. But at least they are all working again.

Anyway - mad dream. This chick that I work with, Jo, is the cutest, sweetest, sexiest little thing ever. We just won't mention that she's 11 years older than me, right? Well, I had this dream about her last night. It involved her, a party, a bunch of gangsters and a bed surrounded by curtains. It's understandable that there were gangsters in it considering I was listening to Dykes on Mykes last night and they were talking to the leading ladies from the all-girl production of Reservoir Dogs coming up in Brissy. But anywho here's my dream - for those interested. )

In other news, I came out at work a while ago and now I am officially James to everyone there even though it's not on any official documents yet, and my bosses try their best to suit my work times around my appointments (if its necessary) which is cool. All of the staff think of me as one of the boys and that's how I'm treated. I'm lovin' it.

Also - if anyone listens to the Hot 30 Countdown with Higgo and Alexis on B105 - please note that Alexis is a major hottie. So are Nat and Davinia from Dykes on Mykes. Which reminds me, they were talking about Pride '05 last night and I can't wait for it. Finally 18 so I can go into the Beer tent with the other T-boys and be macho.

It's 3am, I must be lonely.

Ok...just a little bit lonely, mostly just tired coz I only finished night shift at midnight. (10 hour shift, 2pm - midnight, no breaks.) Plus this post is a lot longer than I intended it to be so I apologise. And for anybody I usually email, I'm sorry, I can't get into my hotmail coz the page won't load so once that's running again you will all be receiving lots of mail :D
Later dayz, y'all.
jspencer1986: (Default)
James: One who takes the place of another. How appropriate.

Finn told me when he was down here to see me that that is what my name meant, but I couldn't remember so I looked it up tonight. Most of the baby names sites I read only said: James - Supplanter. So I was all like "WTF is a supplanter?!"

So anyway I went to www.dictionary.com to look it up and it said "one that takes the place of another". I like that definition because I feel like it describes me, and the fact that I am finally breaking out of what I was, and becoming who I know I can be.

I didn't even know what James meant 5 months ago when I chose it. It sounds pretty stupid but I was told after I got my hair cut that I looked like James Hetfield from Metallica (minus much wanted facial hair!) when I was performing. So I tried the name out, asked a few people how it "fit" me - and overall it went well. And on top of that I liked it, and thus became James. Keeping my family happy is a high priority also, which is most of the reason why I'm making my two middle names very close in resemblance to my birth name and middle name. My last name...well I would love to change it but that would cause a LOT of upset.

Hence, James Nicholas Jay B-

On a less interesting note, my mum is making me ask my dad how he feels about my plans to transition before I leave for Brisbane.

October 2010

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