jspencer1986: (Default)
Woo. Mum and I went to the pub last night and won $2000. Excellent.

I'm not sure I like having my cousins baby around so much now. I'm getting too comfortable with the idea of having kids. Yesterday we took my cousin out to do some shopping for her birthday, so I pretty much looked after the baby for most of the day. I originally didn't want much to do with this kid for fear that I'd get used to it and actually want one of my own sooner than I could possibly have one. And now, I'm at the stage where I like holding her and feeding her and putting her to sleep. It's the cutest thing when she snuggles into me. But I don't want to think that. Yesterday, she was starting to cry when my mum was holding her, so I took her and she stopped right away. The girls at the hairdressers were giving me adoring (and somewhat annoying) 'awww, cute daddy' looks. Anyway, just something to think on.

Hmm. I think I've watched Fingersmith maybe 25 times now. I watch it before I go to bed, or if I'm really tired, just watch my favourite parts. God, how I love that film. If this isn't enough to make everyone think I'm insane, then how's this: I have audio clips from the film on my mp3 player that I listen to while I'm trying to fall asleep. The soft sounds of the words and the way Elaine and Sally say them, the cute accents...it just makes me feel...I don't really know what. Anyway, enough for now.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Too much is going on right now. Everyone is fighting, there's been yelling and screaming for days.

My family lived in Tannum Sands, a small town about 20 minutes out of Gladstone, but mum and Jamie both worked in Gladstone so they moved in here. That meant dad had to be the one traveling that road out to work. He died riding home from work on that road. Now that dad is gone, my brother and his fiance are trying to get a unit back out in Tannum, where they would have to drive past the site of dad's accident every day to get to work.

Mum has begged and pleaded with them not to move there, but Lisa (Jamie's fiance) isn't even prepared to listen to reason. She doesn't care that it upsets the rest of the family, if she wants it, she gets it.

We've just been sitting around at home talking things out for well over 2 hours, and it seems like things are a lot more settled between mum, Kira, Jamie and I, but he's stuck in the middle of us and Lisa. I feel sorry for him, but she angers me so much.

Things are so strained right now, I just want it over with.
jspencer1986: (Default)
My brother's fiance is slowly tearing him away. Everything has to be about her. She can't let anybody else have anything more than she does, and she wants my brother's undivided attention at ALL TIMES. She upsets my mum almost every day, and I'm getting so much more than sick and tired of it. I'm at the stage where everytime I think about her I get so angry that I shake and feel sick. The worst part is that my brother is sticking up for her. I've hit him once, and if he was here right now, instead of over there with her, I'd probably have hit him again. Then again, if he was here it wouldn't be a problem in the first place. She is wrecking my family and I hate her for it. Who is the one who has to make sure mum is ok every time they fight? Oh, yeah, that's right. ME. And who is the one that calls him up and tries to talk rationally and gets hung up on? Oh, yeah, right. That'd be me too. I want so badly just to hurt her, or him, or both. This is just getting out of control. My uncle suggested counselling, and while I agree with him, I still don't want to go. It's just all too much right now, and I don't know how much more I can handle.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Bad, bad, bad.

My brother and I have had a lot of fights in our time, but tonight...

Jamie and his fiance want to get married in January of '07, but mum doesn't think she could handle it so soon after dad's funeral. He doesn't see it from her point of view, and he is making it very difficult for her.

So, eventually he said a little too much. I yelled at him and he yelled at me, then I punched him and he punched me and it went from there. We've never had an actual fistfight like this before.

Anyway, since then we've smoothed everything over and mum has stopped crying and there have been hugs and whatever. It's just too much at the moment I think. It's so hard for everyone to deal with and it's making it easier for us to argue and fight.

The trip home in the car was kind of difficult because we kept playing CD's with songs that dad used to sing and I kept seeing him in my head, up on stage, singing those songs, and I was having a really hard time of it.

Anyway.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I got a message from my boss on my phone when I woke up. He wants me to work Saturday, but I'm already working Sunday and my parents are coming down for the weekend. I feel bad saying no, and I REALLY need the money, but I'd prefer to hang out with my parents. I never thought I'd say that.

In other news, Haydn and I just watched Band Candy and Once More With Feeling. I think we'll watch Tabula Rasa next That episode always makes me sad. I can't stand to see Tara leave. Then I want to watch the whole season of South of Nowhere again. It's official. I'm obsessed. I must add it to my list of favourites. Buffy. Firefly. Sports Night. And now South of Nowhere.

It's too annoying to think about the fact that I have to wait until October at the earliest for Season 2. Then again, we don't get the show here so I have to wait until somebody puts it on the internet. So it'll probably be the end of the year before I get to see it. THAT SUCKS BALLS.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Sandra's funeral was today. Her husband only called my mum and dad YESTERDAY, when he knew they lived 6 hours away and would need a little time to sort things to get down for it. My parents were on the list of people to be contacted when she died, but it would have been nice for him to call them sooner. My mum won't stop crying. I hate this.

The only thing that made my mum a little happier was when I told her I was going to try to come visit her in 3 weeks time. I was going to go up and surprise her but she started talking about coming down at some stage near their payday in March and it was too close to when I wanted to come up, so I thought I had better tell her. She's happy about getting to see me either way.

Also, I started writing a new song, and I'm having major trouble linking the chorus I have with any sort of chord structure for a verse. Everything seems like its been done before. I hate feeling so unoriginal.

GOD. My mum just told me some more bad news. Another friend of ours just got diagnosed with a brain disease called Picks Disorder. They give her about 5 years, which sounds like a long time, but can you think about how fast the last 5 years have flown? Exactly. It all goes by too fast. And then everything you once had was gone, and everything you knew...well, you're just not sure of it any more.
jspencer1986: (Default)
My sunburn was actually MORE painful today. I went out with my mum and sister and we had lunch with 2 of my old friends. They're coming around tonight just after midnight because they both had to work. I'm almost always up until the wee hours so thats fine by me. I've told them a little about John so now I'm apparently obligated to play them his parodies, and show them the opening to the tape he made me because they are curious to see what he looks/sounds like.

So after lunch I had my optometrist appointment, and my mum bought me a new pair of glasses and a pair of prescription sunglasses. I've never had the sunglasses before but they'll definitely come in handy for while I'm on the motorbike. Sun glare can be very dangerous on the bike. So anyway, I should have those sent out to me within a week, and I'm excited. I didn't have a lot of frames to choose from, but I got a couple I really liked. And Doug (my optometrist) was in a really good mood today and gave me my normal glasses cheaper than they should have been, AS WELL as giving me my sunglasses for just $60 MORE!! That's phenomenal. I love that guy. He smells nice too. No comment.

Well, I'm blistering pretty bad and it doesn't look like it'll be easing off too much in time for Christmas Day. I think maybe I WILL be getting drunk and passing out. Good times. It's a good thing I came to see my family because if it was anybody else I was going to see I would have been so pissed off about getting so badly burnt. But it's my family. They're taking care of me as best they can and they feel bad that I got like this coming to see them. I may be in an immense amount of pain, but, truth be told, I'd put up with that pain anyday if it was for my family. The consequence of having to deal with the pain is nothing compared to the payoff of getting to be with them for a while.

What can I say? That's love.
jspencer1986: (Default)
My parents want me to fly home for Christmas coz I only have 4 days off work then, and if I ride the motorbike I'll only be left with 2 days to spend with them.

To anybody else that would actually sound like a great idea, but if anybody knew how afraid of airports I am, they wouldn't be asking me to do such a thing.

That's right, the plane doesn't bother me, nor the flight itself, but the airports before and after the flight scare the absolute hell outta me.

Yes. I'm a freak.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Well.

I'm having a short sentence day.

I feel tired.
I feel somewhat stressed.
I feel slightly sick.
I feel annoyed at my mums reaction to me getting my first appointnment with Gale. "Geez, you don't muck around do you..." *note the sarcastic eye roll*

I also feel bad about letting my mother get to me like she does.

It's sad really.

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