jspencer1986: (Default)
Woo. Mum and I went to the pub last night and won $2000. Excellent.

I'm not sure I like having my cousins baby around so much now. I'm getting too comfortable with the idea of having kids. Yesterday we took my cousin out to do some shopping for her birthday, so I pretty much looked after the baby for most of the day. I originally didn't want much to do with this kid for fear that I'd get used to it and actually want one of my own sooner than I could possibly have one. And now, I'm at the stage where I like holding her and feeding her and putting her to sleep. It's the cutest thing when she snuggles into me. But I don't want to think that. Yesterday, she was starting to cry when my mum was holding her, so I took her and she stopped right away. The girls at the hairdressers were giving me adoring (and somewhat annoying) 'awww, cute daddy' looks. Anyway, just something to think on.

Hmm. I think I've watched Fingersmith maybe 25 times now. I watch it before I go to bed, or if I'm really tired, just watch my favourite parts. God, how I love that film. If this isn't enough to make everyone think I'm insane, then how's this: I have audio clips from the film on my mp3 player that I listen to while I'm trying to fall asleep. The soft sounds of the words and the way Elaine and Sally say them, the cute accents...it just makes me feel...I don't really know what. Anyway, enough for now.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Just got back from Brisbane, packing up all my stuff, bringing my DVD's/CD's home. I'm tired and cranky and just generally shot.

I have about $170 to last me until I a)get a job, or b)get my bond back from my old flatmates. DALLAS, if I can't come up with any money in the next 4 days, I won't be able to get back to Brisbane for the Panic! concert, and if that happens I'd like to send the ticket back to you so that you can at least enjoy the concert and let me know how it was. I was really looking forward to it and I'm trying to figure something out but please let me know your address just in case.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Oh The Line, how I love you...

Jess: Hello? *sighs* Johnny Depp I told you to stop calling me on this phone...
Lisa: Is he STILL harrassing you?
Jess: I know...

AND OMG. They got their name from Heathers. They are SO LESBIAN.

So why did Ryan Cabrera choose one twin over the other?

Lisa: I'm just more charming, really.

I NEED to find a way to order the Online Only Special Edition Autographed CD with Behind The Scenes DVD, 2 bonus tracks, a poster, and an Archie comic featuring the girls. Mum? Dad? Credit card? What's the American exchange rate like? JOHN. WESTON. PAMELA. GET IT FOR ME. Or don't.

I hate Ryan Cabrera. He gets to kiss Lisa over and over in his video. GRR.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I just found out the figures for my payrise.

My pay went from just over $10/hr to just under $14/hr

SCORE.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I'm not thinking clearly, and that results in crazy stupid ideas.

I'm thinking quite seriously about a change. A move. If I can wait it out here where I'm working, go to my conventions in April/May, and hopefully get some part-time work for my days off (whether that be mowing lawns, busking, or doing odd jobs for people), I think I can get a few things sorted out. Honestly, my job is killing me. I'm dying a little more inside every day I have to be there, and as dramatic as that sounds, it's the truth. But, if this is where I need to be right now, then so be it. Here are my goals. I have no time constraints on them, but the quicker the better.

GOAL #1

Get my change of name finalised. FINALLY. It hasn't been done yet, for the simple fact that I haven't been able to afford it. Granted $100 doesn't sound like a lot, but it is when you don't have it. This goal includes getting my license changed to say James and MALE. *Note to self: Make appointment with Dr Linnane for letter about change of sex on license*

GOAL #2

Get my loans paid off. I'm about $5000 in debt (motorbike/guitar and amp), but if I can manage to get a little extra work here and there I may be able to sort that out sometime quite a bit sooner than expected. OR, my other option is getting a $5000 loan to pay out the 2 other loans. Doing that would cut my monthly payments in half, and I still may be able to pay it out sooner. In any case, I need to find a way to get rid of my debts and save a couple grand. FAST. I'll pretty much do anything short of selling myself on a street corner (although if I got really desperate...). Any ideas?

GOAL #3

Apply for a passport. I suppose I'm going to need documentation from both my psychs to get MALE on my passport but I know other guys who haven't had too many problems. I'm going to need to do this sometime in the near future anyway if I ever want to take a holiday to see John, but it also comes into play with...

GOAL #4

Take a preliminary trip to the US. Maybe a week or two, just to check the place out, see what the music scene is like, check the availability of work for someone with as few qualifications as I have (again, the street corner may come into play if I get desperate...), etc.

GOAL #5

Get details on what I need to do to acquire a work visa or whatever I need to get over there and stay for a while. If I go there, I want to be in it for the long haul - hence the preliminary trip first. I need to know that it's going to be as 'right' as I feel it will be.


Ok, before anybody says anything about it being a rushed, rash, or irrational decision, I would like to say, this has been a long time coming. It's something I've thought about long and hard, and it's not a decision I would take lightly. I love my family and I know I'm going to miss them a lot when I try to do all this, but I feel like this is what I need to do. I was listening to a Carrie Underwood song last night and I heard the line, "I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be", and I realised that I don't feel like that. I never have. This move will hopefully set that right. This is my life, and it might be a wrong decision, but it's my decision to make.

It won't be right away. I need time to organise myself, pay my debts, save some cash and take the trip to figure out the work and housing issues, but give it a year, maybe a little longer, and I hope to be out of this place, and out of the rut I'm in. I want this. No, it's more than that. I need this, and hopefully the people I love can understand and support me. I need to start over, and I think Seattle might just be the place to do it.

John. I just want you to know that although you're a big part of the Seattle decision, I'm not doing this for you. I don't want you to think that I just want to be over there because that's where you are and I want us to be able to hang out or whatever. While I do like the idea of finally getting to be as close in person as we are from opposite sides of the world, this decision was made purely for me. It was your influence that led me to believe that I can actually achieve these goals, and for that I'm thankful. Know that I love you and you'll always be my big brother.
jspencer1986: (Default)
This afternoon I had a meeting with my supervisor and my boss to ask them for more money. At this point in time, I am the lowest earner in our entire operation (everyone else is on at least $12 an hour - I'm on little more than $9), and if I want chest surgery any time in the next 10 years I really needed to do something about the pay situation.

So after my supervisor criticizes me and tells me "You can't just ask for more money because you spend too much, or there's something you want to buy", and my boss flat out says that when I'm unsupervised on night shifts, he believes I do absolutely nothing, they spend the next half hour insulting me about the way I do my job. Then they have a bitch about the fact that my finances should be my problem, not theirs, and basically tell me I should just stay home any time I'm not working. Then they insult me some more. Then they pretty much give me the "we'll talk it over and check the figures and get back to you" brush-off.

I feel so lost and out of place. I'm so angry all the time. Little things really upset and annoy me. I just don't know where I belong anymore. I thought I was in the right place, in terms of career choices, because I had a great environment for transitioning and a lot of great people around me, but after the fuck-arounds with my shifts, my pays and this meeting today, I'm just not sure. I was writing a few ideas for songs tonight and I realised that I'll never be happy doing anything but music. In fact, I don't know how I fooled myself into believing that I was actually happy in my job for so long. I NEED music in my life, it's who I am. It's a part of me, and when I'm not playing, I miss it fiercely. This is part of what I wrote tonight:

I work dead-end jobs
Just to get by
I'm so tired of making ends meet,
But there's one thing I know
When I'm not on that stage
I'm missing the music in me.


I need to do something to get into performing or songwriting SOON, otherwise I can see I'm going to go insane where I am. Something is wrong and I think I need some help. It's not right for a 19-year-old to be this jaded.
jspencer1986: (Default)
AND in other shitty news, the L Word Season Premiere was on last night at midnight, my friend JP told me he would record it for me on his DVD recorder (I couldnt stay up because I had work early), and when I came home to watch it this afternoon, I put the disc in the DVD player and it said BAD DISC.

So now that its finally back on after a year of waiting, I've missed the premiere and probably wont get to watch ANY of the series until I buy the DVD's, because of it being on so late at night. And considering the latest developments about my pay, I wont be getting the DVD's - or ANY DVD's for that matter - anytime soon.

The universe hates me. Hell, even I hate me right now. And I want to hurt everything. BADLY.
jspencer1986: (Default)
SO. Here's the good news. The L Word Season 2 just started airing here. AFTER WE WAITED OVER A FUCKING YEAR FOR IT.

Here's the bad news. I have APPARENTLY been getting overpaid for 3 WEEKS at work. Now I have to pay back almost $500. Also, I will no longer be on and average of $500 a week, but will now be earning an average of $380 a week. And in 2 weeks time when Matt and Rick move to Cairns, ONE THIRD of my weekly wage will be going towards rent. On top of that, I'm paying off a motorbike, a guitar and an amp, have to buy testosterone and food (T is much more important than food obviously), and try to save for chest surgery so maybe I'll be able to afford it - IN SIX YEARS.

And don't even get me started on how the hell I'm supposed to finance my convention in May now...

When I was told all this today, I couldn't decide whether I wanted to cry like a little bitch or beat the hell out of my supervisor. I think a talk to my boss will be in order tomorrow. He scares the hell out of me, but it needs to be done. I can't live on $380 a week. It's just not possible.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I WIN AT LIFE.

The tickets to Supanova, featuring Summer Glau of 'Serenity' fame, are $30 FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKEND. And while I AM working on the Sunday, I'm NOT working Friday or Saturday, and Summer is booked to appear on ALL 3 DAYS.

Who rules the world?

THAT'S RIGHT. I DO, BABY. And it feels SO. GOOD.

October 2010

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