jspencer1986: (Default)
My brother's fiance is slowly tearing him away. Everything has to be about her. She can't let anybody else have anything more than she does, and she wants my brother's undivided attention at ALL TIMES. She upsets my mum almost every day, and I'm getting so much more than sick and tired of it. I'm at the stage where everytime I think about her I get so angry that I shake and feel sick. The worst part is that my brother is sticking up for her. I've hit him once, and if he was here right now, instead of over there with her, I'd probably have hit him again. Then again, if he was here it wouldn't be a problem in the first place. She is wrecking my family and I hate her for it. Who is the one who has to make sure mum is ok every time they fight? Oh, yeah, that's right. ME. And who is the one that calls him up and tries to talk rationally and gets hung up on? Oh, yeah, right. That'd be me too. I want so badly just to hurt her, or him, or both. This is just getting out of control. My uncle suggested counselling, and while I agree with him, I still don't want to go. It's just all too much right now, and I don't know how much more I can handle.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Bad, bad, bad.

My brother and I have had a lot of fights in our time, but tonight...

Jamie and his fiance want to get married in January of '07, but mum doesn't think she could handle it so soon after dad's funeral. He doesn't see it from her point of view, and he is making it very difficult for her.

So, eventually he said a little too much. I yelled at him and he yelled at me, then I punched him and he punched me and it went from there. We've never had an actual fistfight like this before.

Anyway, since then we've smoothed everything over and mum has stopped crying and there have been hugs and whatever. It's just too much at the moment I think. It's so hard for everyone to deal with and it's making it easier for us to argue and fight.

The trip home in the car was kind of difficult because we kept playing CD's with songs that dad used to sing and I kept seeing him in my head, up on stage, singing those songs, and I was having a really hard time of it.

Anyway.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Sandra's funeral was today. Her husband only called my mum and dad YESTERDAY, when he knew they lived 6 hours away and would need a little time to sort things to get down for it. My parents were on the list of people to be contacted when she died, but it would have been nice for him to call them sooner. My mum won't stop crying. I hate this.

The only thing that made my mum a little happier was when I told her I was going to try to come visit her in 3 weeks time. I was going to go up and surprise her but she started talking about coming down at some stage near their payday in March and it was too close to when I wanted to come up, so I thought I had better tell her. She's happy about getting to see me either way.

Also, I started writing a new song, and I'm having major trouble linking the chorus I have with any sort of chord structure for a verse. Everything seems like its been done before. I hate feeling so unoriginal.

GOD. My mum just told me some more bad news. Another friend of ours just got diagnosed with a brain disease called Picks Disorder. They give her about 5 years, which sounds like a long time, but can you think about how fast the last 5 years have flown? Exactly. It all goes by too fast. And then everything you once had was gone, and everything you knew...well, you're just not sure of it any more.
jspencer1986: (Default)
So...I know its been bloody ages since I posted to my journal. I've been completely and utterly slack. But, I'm starting again now for a pretty good reason.

I started T shots (250mg Primoteston Depot fortnightly) almost a week ago, on the 25th of July. From now on, I'll be keeping my journal updated regularly, for thoughts and such, and also as a "Progress Journal" of sorts. I can't wait to start seeing changes. My flatmate came to my appointment for my first shot and got instructed on how to administer the shots. On Monday the 8th of August he'll be coming to my second appointment and giving me my shot under my docs supervision. From then on he will be giving my shots fortnightly. No mucking around getting to doctors surgeries and such. Just a quick yell down the hall. Too easy mate.

I'll be taking voice clips and such, pictures of myself getting hairy (hopefully), and down the track a bit further, probably surgery pics too. I'm excited, yet at the same time, dont feel any different. I thought I'd feel different somehow after getting my first shot, not physically different but just a feeling. I dont know, its early days yet. But when it comes down to it, I'm already much happier.

So there you have it. I'll be counting down the days until shot number 2.

--------------

On a slightly less happy note - a friend of mine was killed in a car accident the day before my birthday, I went home for the funeral and it was a very sad affair. I've never been to the funeral of someone I've really cared about before and it hurt more than I expected it would.

Other than that, I've been out of touch with Sarah, the english teacher I confessed my undying love for a year ago. We emailed each other a couple times over the death of my friend but she doesnt seem interested in knowing me anymore. Its a sad thing considering she was such a huge part of my life not even 2 years ago, and that she had such a big impact on my life and helped shape me into who I am. Now I'll never get to thank her for making me a stronger, happier, more caring boy. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I just find myself listening to her favourite song, London Still by The Waifs, over and over again; learning it for her like I always said I would but never had the time to before.

Anyway, she's not the only girl I've been in love with and she sure wont be the last, I just need to find a way to put Sarah's memories in my past and leave them there. Along with those of Lisa Y. I know my limits, and these are 2 women who will never love me in quite the same way as I do them.

Just curious now, how did "I'm so happy, I just started T" turn into "I'm lonely and need a hug coz the girls I fall for never love me back"??

October 2010

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