jspencer1986: (Default)
Too much is going on right now. Everyone is fighting, there's been yelling and screaming for days.

My family lived in Tannum Sands, a small town about 20 minutes out of Gladstone, but mum and Jamie both worked in Gladstone so they moved in here. That meant dad had to be the one traveling that road out to work. He died riding home from work on that road. Now that dad is gone, my brother and his fiance are trying to get a unit back out in Tannum, where they would have to drive past the site of dad's accident every day to get to work.

Mum has begged and pleaded with them not to move there, but Lisa (Jamie's fiance) isn't even prepared to listen to reason. She doesn't care that it upsets the rest of the family, if she wants it, she gets it.

We've just been sitting around at home talking things out for well over 2 hours, and it seems like things are a lot more settled between mum, Kira, Jamie and I, but he's stuck in the middle of us and Lisa. I feel sorry for him, but she angers me so much.

Things are so strained right now, I just want it over with.
jspencer1986: (Default)
My sister has some COOL friends. Seriously, these girls dry-hump each other and pretend to make out on camera. Imagine what they'd do if the camera was OFF.

So anyway, as pedantic as I normally am about my hair, I'm trying to grow it a bit. I have to try really hard not to get annoyed and complain about it getting shaggy because it's my choice to try to do this, but I used to get my hair cut once a month so it's hard to get used to it being so scruffy.

Also, I'm probably going to dye it black. It's been black before, but that was when it was short. I'm sort of interested in trying out the whole emo thing - you know...without all the wrist-slitting and tight pants. Plus, my sister has a lot of hot friends who would totally dig me if I was emo. Whatever.
jspencer1986: (Default)
My brother's fiance is slowly tearing him away. Everything has to be about her. She can't let anybody else have anything more than she does, and she wants my brother's undivided attention at ALL TIMES. She upsets my mum almost every day, and I'm getting so much more than sick and tired of it. I'm at the stage where everytime I think about her I get so angry that I shake and feel sick. The worst part is that my brother is sticking up for her. I've hit him once, and if he was here right now, instead of over there with her, I'd probably have hit him again. Then again, if he was here it wouldn't be a problem in the first place. She is wrecking my family and I hate her for it. Who is the one who has to make sure mum is ok every time they fight? Oh, yeah, that's right. ME. And who is the one that calls him up and tries to talk rationally and gets hung up on? Oh, yeah, right. That'd be me too. I want so badly just to hurt her, or him, or both. This is just getting out of control. My uncle suggested counselling, and while I agree with him, I still don't want to go. It's just all too much right now, and I don't know how much more I can handle.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Bad, bad, bad.

My brother and I have had a lot of fights in our time, but tonight...

Jamie and his fiance want to get married in January of '07, but mum doesn't think she could handle it so soon after dad's funeral. He doesn't see it from her point of view, and he is making it very difficult for her.

So, eventually he said a little too much. I yelled at him and he yelled at me, then I punched him and he punched me and it went from there. We've never had an actual fistfight like this before.

Anyway, since then we've smoothed everything over and mum has stopped crying and there have been hugs and whatever. It's just too much at the moment I think. It's so hard for everyone to deal with and it's making it easier for us to argue and fight.

The trip home in the car was kind of difficult because we kept playing CD's with songs that dad used to sing and I kept seeing him in my head, up on stage, singing those songs, and I was having a really hard time of it.

Anyway.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I haven't slept in 43 hours.

The whole 10 hours I was at work tonight, all I could think about was South of Nowhere. Ok, just Spencer and Ashley. Seriously, I came home and realised I had drawn a bunch of variations of their names (and my own nicknames for them) all over my left arm. It's just all the little things about them that reel me in. The way they look at each other, the way they talk, the way Gabrielle Christian already has a signature move for Spencer (the Spencer Head Tilt) for when she's feeling shy or if she doesn't understand something. I swear, my firstborn will be named Spencer. Boy or girl, it doesn't matter. And if my wife doesn't like it, too bad. I've made up my mind. Besides, I've never even met (or heard of, for that matter) an Australian named Spencer.

Ashley makes me swoon. She plays tough, but really she's just scared and doesn't know how to handle it any other way. I want to cuddle her until she forgets every last insecurity she's ever had. Then I want to cuddle her some more. I've watched the last episode, 'What Just Happened', like 6 times now, and every time I watch it I choke up at this Ashley line: 'I want you. And I don't want to hurt you.'

So uhh, I think I need to get some sleep because otherwise you will NEVER hear the end of my incessant SoN commentary. Hehe, SPASHLEY.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I believe, without doubt, that it is possible to fall in love with a character, or characters, from a television show. It is not possible, however, to fall in love with an ACTOR OR ACTRESS by watching them perform in a TV series.

More random thoughts on this... )

Anyway, it's like almost 4am, and I can barely read what's on my computer screen so I figure I should sleep. Besides, I'm not supposed to stay up late. Australians are pussies.

Did I even get anywhere with what I was saying? It probably didn't even make sense. WHATEVER.
jspencer1986: (Default)
There are no words for how much I love the Veronicas 'When It All Falls Apart'. I enjoy the whole song, but the bridge is what really seals the deal for me. When I hear Jess and Lisa sing the lines 'Can't it be easier, can't I just change my mind? / 'Cause it just seems to go bad every time' my mind goes somewhere else, somewhere better than anywhere I've ever been. The way they sing, their harmonies, it's all just beautiful. I can't explain it. It's sort of like the feeling I get when I walk alone down a quiet street late in the afternoon, looking up at the sky. Or the feeling I get when rain is coming and I can smell the dirt in the air. I love that. There is certain beauty in anything that can make me feel things so completely indescribable. It's peace. It's innocence. It's silence. It's serenity. It's like being asleep, yet fully aware of my surroundings, more aware than I've ever been of anything. THAT is beauty.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I'm not thinking clearly, and that results in crazy stupid ideas.

I'm thinking quite seriously about a change. A move. If I can wait it out here where I'm working, go to my conventions in April/May, and hopefully get some part-time work for my days off (whether that be mowing lawns, busking, or doing odd jobs for people), I think I can get a few things sorted out. Honestly, my job is killing me. I'm dying a little more inside every day I have to be there, and as dramatic as that sounds, it's the truth. But, if this is where I need to be right now, then so be it. Here are my goals. I have no time constraints on them, but the quicker the better.

GOAL #1

Get my change of name finalised. FINALLY. It hasn't been done yet, for the simple fact that I haven't been able to afford it. Granted $100 doesn't sound like a lot, but it is when you don't have it. This goal includes getting my license changed to say James and MALE. *Note to self: Make appointment with Dr Linnane for letter about change of sex on license*

GOAL #2

Get my loans paid off. I'm about $5000 in debt (motorbike/guitar and amp), but if I can manage to get a little extra work here and there I may be able to sort that out sometime quite a bit sooner than expected. OR, my other option is getting a $5000 loan to pay out the 2 other loans. Doing that would cut my monthly payments in half, and I still may be able to pay it out sooner. In any case, I need to find a way to get rid of my debts and save a couple grand. FAST. I'll pretty much do anything short of selling myself on a street corner (although if I got really desperate...). Any ideas?

GOAL #3

Apply for a passport. I suppose I'm going to need documentation from both my psychs to get MALE on my passport but I know other guys who haven't had too many problems. I'm going to need to do this sometime in the near future anyway if I ever want to take a holiday to see John, but it also comes into play with...

GOAL #4

Take a preliminary trip to the US. Maybe a week or two, just to check the place out, see what the music scene is like, check the availability of work for someone with as few qualifications as I have (again, the street corner may come into play if I get desperate...), etc.

GOAL #5

Get details on what I need to do to acquire a work visa or whatever I need to get over there and stay for a while. If I go there, I want to be in it for the long haul - hence the preliminary trip first. I need to know that it's going to be as 'right' as I feel it will be.


Ok, before anybody says anything about it being a rushed, rash, or irrational decision, I would like to say, this has been a long time coming. It's something I've thought about long and hard, and it's not a decision I would take lightly. I love my family and I know I'm going to miss them a lot when I try to do all this, but I feel like this is what I need to do. I was listening to a Carrie Underwood song last night and I heard the line, "I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be", and I realised that I don't feel like that. I never have. This move will hopefully set that right. This is my life, and it might be a wrong decision, but it's my decision to make.

It won't be right away. I need time to organise myself, pay my debts, save some cash and take the trip to figure out the work and housing issues, but give it a year, maybe a little longer, and I hope to be out of this place, and out of the rut I'm in. I want this. No, it's more than that. I need this, and hopefully the people I love can understand and support me. I need to start over, and I think Seattle might just be the place to do it.

John. I just want you to know that although you're a big part of the Seattle decision, I'm not doing this for you. I don't want you to think that I just want to be over there because that's where you are and I want us to be able to hang out or whatever. While I do like the idea of finally getting to be as close in person as we are from opposite sides of the world, this decision was made purely for me. It was your influence that led me to believe that I can actually achieve these goals, and for that I'm thankful. Know that I love you and you'll always be my big brother.
jspencer1986: (Default)
This afternoon I had a meeting with my supervisor and my boss to ask them for more money. At this point in time, I am the lowest earner in our entire operation (everyone else is on at least $12 an hour - I'm on little more than $9), and if I want chest surgery any time in the next 10 years I really needed to do something about the pay situation.

So after my supervisor criticizes me and tells me "You can't just ask for more money because you spend too much, or there's something you want to buy", and my boss flat out says that when I'm unsupervised on night shifts, he believes I do absolutely nothing, they spend the next half hour insulting me about the way I do my job. Then they have a bitch about the fact that my finances should be my problem, not theirs, and basically tell me I should just stay home any time I'm not working. Then they insult me some more. Then they pretty much give me the "we'll talk it over and check the figures and get back to you" brush-off.

I feel so lost and out of place. I'm so angry all the time. Little things really upset and annoy me. I just don't know where I belong anymore. I thought I was in the right place, in terms of career choices, because I had a great environment for transitioning and a lot of great people around me, but after the fuck-arounds with my shifts, my pays and this meeting today, I'm just not sure. I was writing a few ideas for songs tonight and I realised that I'll never be happy doing anything but music. In fact, I don't know how I fooled myself into believing that I was actually happy in my job for so long. I NEED music in my life, it's who I am. It's a part of me, and when I'm not playing, I miss it fiercely. This is part of what I wrote tonight:

I work dead-end jobs
Just to get by
I'm so tired of making ends meet,
But there's one thing I know
When I'm not on that stage
I'm missing the music in me.


I need to do something to get into performing or songwriting SOON, otherwise I can see I'm going to go insane where I am. Something is wrong and I think I need some help. It's not right for a 19-year-old to be this jaded.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Sandra's funeral was today. Her husband only called my mum and dad YESTERDAY, when he knew they lived 6 hours away and would need a little time to sort things to get down for it. My parents were on the list of people to be contacted when she died, but it would have been nice for him to call them sooner. My mum won't stop crying. I hate this.

The only thing that made my mum a little happier was when I told her I was going to try to come visit her in 3 weeks time. I was going to go up and surprise her but she started talking about coming down at some stage near their payday in March and it was too close to when I wanted to come up, so I thought I had better tell her. She's happy about getting to see me either way.

Also, I started writing a new song, and I'm having major trouble linking the chorus I have with any sort of chord structure for a verse. Everything seems like its been done before. I hate feeling so unoriginal.

GOD. My mum just told me some more bad news. Another friend of ours just got diagnosed with a brain disease called Picks Disorder. They give her about 5 years, which sounds like a long time, but can you think about how fast the last 5 years have flown? Exactly. It all goes by too fast. And then everything you once had was gone, and everything you knew...well, you're just not sure of it any more.
jspencer1986: (Default)
My life, at this point in time, revolves around a few very simple things. There are, of course, other things in my world, but the main ones are the ones that mean the most to me RIGHT NOW. They are the 3 F's. )
jspencer1986: (Default)
It's almost Christmas. I love the fact that I get to be home with my family, but I guess I'm kind of lonely. I keep reading about people being with their girlfriends and boyfriends and husbands and wives and it's kind of bringing me down. While I have come to terms with being single and the reasons behind it, Christmas is one of the hardest times for me. It's pretty much the only time of year when I give way too much thought to the fact that I'm alone in all this. Any other time I'm quite happy spending my spare time doing something I enjoy and not having to worry about what somebody else is doing/thinking, but times like this make me all too conscious of my relationship incompetence. My lack of "esso".

I don't claim to be the only person on the planet who has 'Christmas Issues'. Nor are my issues any better or worse then anybody elses. I just needed to vent my thoughts on the loneliness of a holiday that should be such a happy time.

Even the loneliest ones have partners tonight, or so it seems. Everyone but me.
jspencer1986: (Default)
OMG I'm so totally seeing HP and the GoF tomorrow!! I never thought I would be excited to say that. Although, to be fair, it was originally just the temptation of a cute underage girl with an English accent that lured me in so I think I can be forgiven for falling in love with the HP phenomenon.

I just went through and read back over my entire journal (which isnt that long) and I realise I have completely changed since my first post. If nothing else, I'm much more easily pissed off these days :-P

But I've definitely seen some change in the way I see relationships too. I used to be the kind of person that thought I needed to be with someone, or be in love with someone to be happy. Even when I was totally miserable because the person I wanted didnt want me, I was still pretty happy because, lets face it, I was getting what I wanted. And what I wanted was an excuse to feel something. An excuse to get emotional, whether that be in a good way or a bad way. Only recently have I changed in that sense. I don't feel like I need somebody else to define me anymore. A big part of that was talking to John again. He makes me feel like I'm worth something, even when certain things in my life aren't going well.

Back then I was happy because I was miserable. These days I'm just happy. I'm moving up in the world. Thanks brother, I owe you more than you know.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I've been listening to country music...for 10 hours. I used to watch CMT on cable all the time in the late 90's and I've noticed that I much preferred all the music being brought out back then to the stuff being brought out now. Don't get me wrong, all the artists that were around back then are still bringing out great stuff, and probably will until they retire from their music careers, but most (not all, but MOST) of the new country music artists being released these days aren't bringing out more than one song that is anything worth listening to.

Let's go back to the old favourites - Garth Brooks, Shania Twain, Clay Walker, Trisha Yearwood, Mindy Mcready, River Road (if anybody knows where I can find a copy of the song Nickajack, it would be most appreciated), Brooks and Dunn, Dixie Chicks, Keith Urban, Sherrie Austin, Terri Clark, Jo Dee Messina, Martina McBride, Tim McGraw (pre-Nelly)...

I mean, jeez, there were so many great artists out in the 90's, and while they're all still making great music, the next generation just sucks beyond the telling of it. It doesn't give die hard country fans much hope for the future. I write a lot of country songs, and the stuff I write is better than half the stuff they're publishing these days. It's ridiculous really, when an amateur can write and perform better than the vast majority of the people getting record deals.

It's a shame but it's true. The country music scene has been left to house the awkward lyrics and half-hearted melodies of todays country music, and I'll mourn the loss of the greats when they've been completely phased out by their raw, untalented successors.

Can you tell I'm passionate about country music?
jspencer1986: (Default)
I just had a really strange thought. With all the weird stuff I write in here, whether it be about myself or other people, there are certain people I would like to kidnap and make them read it, just to see their reactions. For example:

My ex-english teacher. I've written a few posts on here about how in love with her I was...or am. Now, she knows I had a crush on her in high school and that was enough to make her stop talking to me after I graduated, so what the hell would be running through her mind if she read those words?

My flatmates. They would probably hate me forever (or at least until something shiny comes by) if they saw some of the stuff I've written about them.

I think most people that know me in the flesh would also be tempted to run far, far away if they read about my masturbatory habits, or dreams for my spank bank, as I've posted a couple times.

I have come to the conclusion that, at times, I can be a very scary man.

Oh yeah - John, my brutha: You, my friend, are a legend. Don't really know why, just kinda had the urge to throw that in :)

Learn to love the crazyness, people. Peace out.

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