jspencer1986: (Default)
Too much is going on right now. Everyone is fighting, there's been yelling and screaming for days.

My family lived in Tannum Sands, a small town about 20 minutes out of Gladstone, but mum and Jamie both worked in Gladstone so they moved in here. That meant dad had to be the one traveling that road out to work. He died riding home from work on that road. Now that dad is gone, my brother and his fiance are trying to get a unit back out in Tannum, where they would have to drive past the site of dad's accident every day to get to work.

Mum has begged and pleaded with them not to move there, but Lisa (Jamie's fiance) isn't even prepared to listen to reason. She doesn't care that it upsets the rest of the family, if she wants it, she gets it.

We've just been sitting around at home talking things out for well over 2 hours, and it seems like things are a lot more settled between mum, Kira, Jamie and I, but he's stuck in the middle of us and Lisa. I feel sorry for him, but she angers me so much.

Things are so strained right now, I just want it over with.
jspencer1986: (Default)
My brother's fiance is slowly tearing him away. Everything has to be about her. She can't let anybody else have anything more than she does, and she wants my brother's undivided attention at ALL TIMES. She upsets my mum almost every day, and I'm getting so much more than sick and tired of it. I'm at the stage where everytime I think about her I get so angry that I shake and feel sick. The worst part is that my brother is sticking up for her. I've hit him once, and if he was here right now, instead of over there with her, I'd probably have hit him again. Then again, if he was here it wouldn't be a problem in the first place. She is wrecking my family and I hate her for it. Who is the one who has to make sure mum is ok every time they fight? Oh, yeah, that's right. ME. And who is the one that calls him up and tries to talk rationally and gets hung up on? Oh, yeah, right. That'd be me too. I want so badly just to hurt her, or him, or both. This is just getting out of control. My uncle suggested counselling, and while I agree with him, I still don't want to go. It's just all too much right now, and I don't know how much more I can handle.
jspencer1986: (Default)
Bad, bad, bad.

My brother and I have had a lot of fights in our time, but tonight...

Jamie and his fiance want to get married in January of '07, but mum doesn't think she could handle it so soon after dad's funeral. He doesn't see it from her point of view, and he is making it very difficult for her.

So, eventually he said a little too much. I yelled at him and he yelled at me, then I punched him and he punched me and it went from there. We've never had an actual fistfight like this before.

Anyway, since then we've smoothed everything over and mum has stopped crying and there have been hugs and whatever. It's just too much at the moment I think. It's so hard for everyone to deal with and it's making it easier for us to argue and fight.

The trip home in the car was kind of difficult because we kept playing CD's with songs that dad used to sing and I kept seeing him in my head, up on stage, singing those songs, and I was having a really hard time of it.

jspencer1986: (Default)
OK. Glory is officially a bitch.

Clare Kramer will be unable to attend the convention in Sydney (read: wants to piss me off because this is my first convention and I don't deserve to fully experience the joy of said convention). SO not happy about that.
jspencer1986: (Default)
This afternoon I had a meeting with my supervisor and my boss to ask them for more money. At this point in time, I am the lowest earner in our entire operation (everyone else is on at least $12 an hour - I'm on little more than $9), and if I want chest surgery any time in the next 10 years I really needed to do something about the pay situation.

So after my supervisor criticizes me and tells me "You can't just ask for more money because you spend too much, or there's something you want to buy", and my boss flat out says that when I'm unsupervised on night shifts, he believes I do absolutely nothing, they spend the next half hour insulting me about the way I do my job. Then they have a bitch about the fact that my finances should be my problem, not theirs, and basically tell me I should just stay home any time I'm not working. Then they insult me some more. Then they pretty much give me the "we'll talk it over and check the figures and get back to you" brush-off.

I feel so lost and out of place. I'm so angry all the time. Little things really upset and annoy me. I just don't know where I belong anymore. I thought I was in the right place, in terms of career choices, because I had a great environment for transitioning and a lot of great people around me, but after the fuck-arounds with my shifts, my pays and this meeting today, I'm just not sure. I was writing a few ideas for songs tonight and I realised that I'll never be happy doing anything but music. In fact, I don't know how I fooled myself into believing that I was actually happy in my job for so long. I NEED music in my life, it's who I am. It's a part of me, and when I'm not playing, I miss it fiercely. This is part of what I wrote tonight:

I work dead-end jobs
Just to get by
I'm so tired of making ends meet,
But there's one thing I know
When I'm not on that stage
I'm missing the music in me.

I need to do something to get into performing or songwriting SOON, otherwise I can see I'm going to go insane where I am. Something is wrong and I think I need some help. It's not right for a 19-year-old to be this jaded.
jspencer1986: (Default)
AND in other shitty news, the L Word Season Premiere was on last night at midnight, my friend JP told me he would record it for me on his DVD recorder (I couldnt stay up because I had work early), and when I came home to watch it this afternoon, I put the disc in the DVD player and it said BAD DISC.

So now that its finally back on after a year of waiting, I've missed the premiere and probably wont get to watch ANY of the series until I buy the DVD's, because of it being on so late at night. And considering the latest developments about my pay, I wont be getting the DVD's - or ANY DVD's for that matter - anytime soon.

The universe hates me. Hell, even I hate me right now. And I want to hurt everything. BADLY.
jspencer1986: (Default)
SO. Here's the good news. The L Word Season 2 just started airing here. AFTER WE WAITED OVER A FUCKING YEAR FOR IT.

Here's the bad news. I have APPARENTLY been getting overpaid for 3 WEEKS at work. Now I have to pay back almost $500. Also, I will no longer be on and average of $500 a week, but will now be earning an average of $380 a week. And in 2 weeks time when Matt and Rick move to Cairns, ONE THIRD of my weekly wage will be going towards rent. On top of that, I'm paying off a motorbike, a guitar and an amp, have to buy testosterone and food (T is much more important than food obviously), and try to save for chest surgery so maybe I'll be able to afford it - IN SIX YEARS.

And don't even get me started on how the hell I'm supposed to finance my convention in May now...

When I was told all this today, I couldn't decide whether I wanted to cry like a little bitch or beat the hell out of my supervisor. I think a talk to my boss will be in order tomorrow. He scares the hell out of me, but it needs to be done. I can't live on $380 a week. It's just not possible.
jspencer1986: (Default)
SO. True to tradition, there was a fuck up with my passes for the convention. Well, that's not true. I have MY pass bought and paid for, but because the stupid whore that runs the damn convention can't read, they have only sold me ONE pass instead of TWO. So now I have to sort it out with that annoying woman, and if they have to invoice me for 2 separate passes, Haydn and I won't even be seated together.


You would think when someone writes "2 VIP Passes x $400 = $800" IT MEANS THEY WANT TWO FUCKING PASSES.

Dumbass bitches.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I swear there is some annoying force making it impossible for me to reply to emails first go.

I was almost done writing back to John (I know I started it this morning but I got sidetracked...), when out of fucking nowhere comes a huge-ass storm and all of a sudden we have no power. Which also means we have no computer and most annoying of all, NO FUCKING EMAIL. Obviously the power is back on now, and it wasn't really out all that long, but still. The email is gone.

I'd started to make a habit of saving a copy of my emails before I click the send button since I've lost a few emails when pages refuse to load properly, or some other stupid thing happens to prevent the email sending. But I hadn't finished yet, hence, no copy. Nothing. Not a fucking thing.

SO. I'll be up fairly early in the morning since I'm getting to bed relatively early (or at least earlier than usual) and I will try to have an email for John before his lunch break. I just want to be in a good mood when I write, and after the night I've had, and now this, well...it makes for not such a good mood.

In other news I finished the first season of Dead Like Me today. I think the season only improved as it went along, but there's still a few things left unsaid that have been bugging me. Maybe I'll get into that tomorrow, but for now I need to sleep.

Have a nice day, peace y'all.
jspencer1986: (Default)
I have Wednesday and Thursday nights off work to hang out with my bro while he's here. We're having an ex girlfriend of his over on Wednesday. I haven't seen her in years, but apparently she has only changed for the better, and I had a crush on her while he was dating her. I'm sure I won't still feel it, it was like 10 years ago, plus I feel really out of sync with all things dating at the moment. It's odd.

On Thursday or Friday we're going to go into the city. I'll probably stop by the Daily Planet and get some more Buffy Trading Cards, then we can go see a movie, and maybe finish with a visit to Borders to get the Harry Potter books and then Starbucks.

Starbucks? Oh no. The council fears I am becoming too...American.

Boo hoo.

Also, I have to vent here. I totally hate when you email someone, including questions and such (therefore implying you wish the person to respond), and they just don't bother replying. That really gets on my nerves. If you're taking the time to email someone *cough*OldMathTeacherAndNowGoodFriend*cough* you obviously care enough to bother. Yet they can't be bothered to take 10 minutes (Read: A good solid hour) out of their day to say a simple 'Hey, how are you?' (Read: To tell me every little detail of their life in the past week, coz I'm the kind of person who wants to know).


OOH. And I finally administered my very first shot on myself yesterday. Not as difficult as I thought it would be. Guess I can keep doing it myself now :) Yay. No more getting my flatmate to look at my arse. Poor bastard.

Anyway, getting ready for work now so I'm going to make like my personality and split. Or make like a lettuce and head. Or make like a tom and cruise. Whatever.

Later days.
jspencer1986: (Default)
So I get home from work last night to find a note on our house whiteboard. Basically it was from one of my housemates, trying to claim that myself and the other guy I live with who also does night shift don't do anything around the house. Ok. Fair enough. I'm not the tidiest person here, but the sentence 'I know you guys work nights but thats no excuse for doing sweet fuck all' really has me riled.

Who is the guy always cleaning up after our other flatmates son? Putting away his table and chairs, and all his fucking toys that he leaves all over the gorram floor, cleaning his dishes that he leaves filled with disgusting mushy cereal? So I don't make a habit of doing the dishes, or cleaning the lounge room - if I actually ate here more often or left something in the lounge room they might actually have something to complain about.

I'm tired of being blamed for not cleaning the house. Well, news flash, I'm not cleaning anyone elses mess anymore if that's the way you bastards wanna play. Let's just see how annoying it is to find that there's still toys left out 3 days after Jay goes home, or to find that nobody's done the dishes since then and Jay's cereal is permanently fixing itself to the bowl he was using.

I'm half tempted to run the cable from my broadband modem into my room and set my computer up in there. I'd never come out unless it was to eat, shower or go to work. Let's see them complain about the mess I don't make then. Then I'd be accused of being anti-social, but I guess that's better than the accusation that I'm a dirty pig.

You know, the ironic thing about all this is that while he may clean the house, I don't like going in his room. It's so messy, I'm not even sure what dead things lie buried under everything in there, but whatever it is, the smell makes you almost pass out when you walk in. Maybe he should spend less time getting in other peoples faces about cleaning and actually do something about his room.

Fucking hypocrite.

October 2010

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